Oh the story of my life. Everyday I wake up, at least in recent weeks, with a need to hack up a partial lung. I feel gross. Not the normal “never working out” gross, but a deeper ick. Of course this has nothing to do with my need to smoke every 10 minutes and 2 at a time. No! Cigarettes are the calming and relaxing element in my crazy and stressful day.
My email just crashed. Go have a smoke and it will be better.The board meeting is today. Smoke several before heading to the meeting.I have a paper due in 1 hour. Smoke and write and the words will flow.
But I’m almost 27 (dear god) and I’ve been smoking regularly since I was a sophomore in college. I feel the need to change. A better change. I know I NEED to quit, but it is the mental preparation that is hindering in this endeavor. Honestly, I WANT to smoke. It makes me feel nice (at the time – not when awaking or trying to climb stairs). So I have decided, in compromise of my own feelings, to smoke less. Of course I still need to decide which cigarettes I can do without (meaning that people can stand to be near me).
But alas my enlightenment is not over.
Today I put on my freshly washed jeans (thank you AF) as I got ready for work (yes, I wear jeans to work). It isn’t that they shrunk, because they didn’t. They fit fine right below my bellybutton. But I look in the mirror in order to finish getting ready and I noticed that all of the skin (i.e. fat) that would normally be at my bellybutton has been forced up and over my jeans. This would be a handy development if I were frightened of people seeing the button on my jeans, or my belt buckle or even the tag on the back of my jeans. It’s like I have a mini skirt around the top of my jeans. What happened here? Sigh, those days of old. You know. When you were up at all hours of the night and day, went out a lot, and your eating habits consisted of what went with noodles, vodka, and beer. Now I eat a granola bar for breakfast, a normal turkey/cheese sandwich for lunch, and dinner. My body has not adapted well to this “normal” lifestyle. I need to start to think about maybe doing something about it. I joined a gym last year and went regularly for about a month (as is “required” with all gym memberships). Now it is just a place I walk by after work and think “I should go tomorrow” knowing that I would much rather go straight home and eat brownies. But I really do need to start going again, especially if I’m thinking of maybe possibly quitting smoking. But see it is this vicious cycle.
I want to diet some before going to the gym so I’m not totally repulsive in the changing room. I need to quit smoking before going to the gym or I could risk a heart attack. I need to go to the gym to lose weight and to help me quit smoking.
So being the American that I am, I ask “When are they finally going to make a pill that helps you quit smoking while loosing weight by thinking about going to the gym?”
Labels: Insecurity, Smoking