Title Goes Here, Along With My Heart

Things I Like Right Now:
+Underworld: Evolution coming to theaters soon
+Sleeping all day on and off from one “eating hub” to the next
+"Potata Candy" made with real potatoes, powdered sugar, and peanut butter– God’s gift to the Pennslyvania Dutch.
+The fact that neither Lenny Kravitz nor my Uncle has a fragrance on the market
+The anticipation of New Year’s Eve! It’s like being next in line. Nothing quite beats it.
+Sex with my fiancée after watching anything with people in it because I’m that horny (but yes Mr. & Mrs. Smith did help)
+The series “Drawn Together” on Comedy Central
+ My Nano condom that AP got me
+Some new CDs:
The Sounds – A cross between Blondie & The Donnas 80s style & Swedish
Clap Your Hands Say Yeah – A cross between Bob Dylan and Rufus Wainwright only less gay and more intelligible
+The fact that Jesus finally heard my prayers for peace on earth
+Co-worker 1 asking Co-Worker 2 how their Chirstmas was & Co-Worker 2 replying, "Ramadan. And it was in October. Thanks for asking."


Things I Don’t Like Right Now:
-New Year’s Eve Cleaning – As ancient Japanese text instructs, the Japanese people furiously clean the bad spirits away to ready the house for the new good spirits. This is dumb.
-Going back to work and not being able to find my good pen. Then realizing that I can’t distinguish between the words "pin" and "pen," which doesn’t help in the quest to find my pen.
-The bruise on my ass because AP isn’t as strong as Brad Pitt and I’m not as thin as Angelina Jolie
-My State Farm Insurance was increased again even though I never drive my car, have gotten older, as time works, and do not have any tickets or accidents on my record
-Speaking of good neighbors, how do you say “Turn your fucking goddamned fucking U2 fucking bullshit music down or I’ll fucking kill you” in Spanish? Anyone?
- Knowing that we still have turkey, ham, stuffing, and other leftovers in the fridge and AP hates to "waste" and all I want is a chicken sandwich from Wendy's
- The fact that my cat is dirty and has shat on himself several times...today
- That my armpit hair seems to grow much faster than hair anywhere else on my body
-The Intuition Razor. Whose brilliant idea was it to fasten a bar of fucking soap to a razor? DO NOT try to lather with it. No, I'm not that dumb. It's an acutal direction on the box.

I’m Not, Am I?

The holidays were great and it was good to see AsianPixie’s nephews, er my nephews too I guess now. They are growing up so fast and now it is easier to teach them bad words. I received many wondrous gifts, one of which this post is about. Settle in kiddies.

From my previous post on poly relationships I said that I was super into Michelle Krusiec mainly because she did an independent film “Saving Face” that was amazing.

I remember going to see it in the theater and walking out thinking, “Wow, that was actually the first good lesbian movie I’ve ever seen.” The typical lesbian movie fare tends to be dull and all about holding each other. Fuck that. And while I’m saying things, fuck the new Logo Channel too. Every guy on there is super feminine and really into sconces and various fashion issues. Every girl is a throw back to my middle school gym teacher, sans mole. I dig labels to a certain point, but I both wear boy’s clothes and a purse. I love football and classical music.

Fuck. I got off track.

ANYWAY. I got the movie “Saving Face” from AP’s sister for Christmas. I was super excited and couldn’t wait to see it again since it was so amazing the first time. Then we decided to have a lesbianfest and invited Center over. We watched Eternal. This movie was neither scary or sexy. Boo. The hotness could have happened so easily. But no.

ANYWAY. So I was online this morning looking up stuff about Saving Face, then I clicked over to Michelle’s IMDB page and read up on her. Then I read some of the message boards about her (which you have to sign up for in order to log in). Then I googled her name and found her personal website ,which had a link to her blog , which I then read. I was all like, “Wow, she talks to us, the fans, like she cares. I love Michelle Krusiec. I know. I should comment!” So I proceeded to open the comment box on the last entry (67 comments already, how do I compete with that? How will she see mine above all others? Will she think it funny?) Then I started to read some of the comments.

Outtakes:
“I believe you are also a great person, very personable and down to earth”
“However, if u pardon my little gritty detail combing here( i watched the film 14 times), i felt that the scene when u came out from the airport and hug Ma wasn't done well enough.”
“Pls tell Lynn that I love the way she portrays Vivien. Lynn, where are you?????”


Umm Ok, so these people are crazy. They don’t even know her. One has based her entire personality on one movie, one decides to critique the directors work and the other believes that Vivien and Wil and probably bestest friends /hot sex buddies. Have I, in the absence of coffee and cigarettes, become that scary person who tracks down famous people only to hold onto tiny tid bits of information leaked from google? Didn’t I learn my lesson from Trekkies and Trekkies 2?

I’m going to make some of that coffee now and smoke a really, really big cigarette until I again hate the world and remember that movies aren’t real, unless it’s a documentary then it is real in which case I wouldn’t have to remember that it wasn’t real.

Smoke now.

Fun With Foreign Food Friday (Thursday Edition)

They make ‘em big in America.

But apparently they like ‘em big elsewhere. At least they are honest about it. So eat up and maybe stuff some stockings.

Enjoy your time off for the holidays and remember big nuts can mean a lot of things*, but it’s never good to show off and if you do then take pictures. Then maybe you’ll get a candy of your own.

As my mom would say, “Everyone loves a nut unless of course they don’t.”

*Meaning: that you have large testicles, that you are crazy, that you have a lot of spunk.

Poly Wants a Cracker

I'm one whole year old today. Thought you should know.

That means that we finally made it over the rough section of our blog relationship and that it is time for a true commitment. I tend to be a bit apprehensive about commitment. But I mean I have this blog address, a new logo, great readers, and great commenters. I can’t complain. I am in a comfort zone, but I’m still very happy.

“Does this carry over into real life for MKD?” You may not be asking yourself.

Interesting that you should ask.

Some of AP’s close friends are in polygamous/polyamorous relationships. I find this a strange concept myself. It is one that I can only psuedo-grasp. I sort of understood it back in college, but really that was more about my girlfriend cheating on me and then me going out and finding someone to cheat on her with, which is kind of how I met AP, which is an entirely different story.*

I find myself somewhere between wanting an open relationship and being horribly jealous even entertaining the thought during “self-soothing” times. I’m not any where near being prudish and yet I have an instinctual need to protect my sexual relationship with my fiancée. Therefore, this tends to disallow the wanton romp with say a hot guy or gal of my choosing. I do believe that humans are not necessarily built to be monogamous and that is why there is so much tension. The mailman can only come calling so many times before you wonder about adding maybe a mailsorter or a UPS guy. Then I think about someone else touching AP and I throw up in my mouth.

This is why I’ve come up with a way to psychologically overcome my feelings of “wanderment” and yet feel secure enough that AP won’t touch any unwanted (by me) pootie.

Yes, we have a list. The rules for the list are as follows:
The list can consist of only famous people (No Sexy Joe from Starbucks, 2nd Shift)
It can be for a one-night stand (No emotional attachments)
The list can be updated once a year (No last minute changes)
AP has final approval of the list in terms of the “famous” clause (Chicken is famous)
The list can only consist of 5 people (Because I like 5s and 3s)

MKD’s List as of December 20, 2005:
1. David Duchovny - Just like Bree Sharp I wonder, “David Duchovny, why won’t you love me.”
2. Taye Diggs -Oh. My. God. I need not explain this one.
3. Lucy Liu - I had a hard time here. I almost put Michelle Krusiec. I may have to change this.
4. Sarah Silverman - She’s funny and smart and that makes her super hot. That and she is dirty. So very dirty.
5. Henry Rollins - He’s big, strong, tattooed, and fucking rocks!**

So there you have it. My feeble attempt to put my peevish dick in line. I still may not get the poly lifestyle, but I guess that is what Joe the Conservative Republican from Kentucky is saying about dykes.

I’m totally livin’ la vida loca. And I got the handprint on my ass to prove it.


*I know that poly-relationships aren't "cheating." So don't get on my ass about that. If you feel that you or a loved one may be in danger of becoming or are "poly" then please visit The Polyamory Society for more information.


**Other close calls were: The chick from The Distillers, PJ Harvey, Sayid of Lost, Jake Gyllenhaal, pretty much all those girls in the new Victoria Secret commercial, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt together with me, and most of the cast on The L Word.

‘Tis Over. The Monkey is Dead.

So yeah the last week or so was a little filled with stress, apprehension, and tons of work. But now that it is over I feel relieved as if I just had my very own colonic. This next week I plan to catch up on my blog reading/commenting, buying gifts for Chrismanukkah, and preparing myself for 5 whole days off of work. Super Yay!

OK, Does Anyone Else See The Giant Monkey?

Thank you for stopping by Sarcastic & Cynical. Your patronage is much appreciated.

However due to technical difficulties, your regularly scheduled misinformation, hate, sarcasm, and general rudeness will be temporary absent as MKD slowly kills herself with a plastic buttering knife, a few marketing strategy books, and finals.

A sanity update will be forthcoming in the coming days.

Thank you for your support.


- Victoria Launchbalm-Aldridge & Dwayne Lee, The Management.

Dwayne and Victoria

I completely believe that I would be a genius if it weren’t for most of my substantial brainpower being sucked away. I totally mean to study, memorize, kick some major ass at Trivial Pursuit, and conquer the Samurai Sudoku.

But this hardly happens. I find myself letting my inner brain, Dwayne Lee, take over. I prefer to call this part a “him” named Dwayne because 1) I’m sexiest and 2) Dwayne Lee sounds dumb and southern. The smart part of my brain is called “Victoria Launchbalm-Aldridge” because it sounds rich and British.

When Vicky Darling isn’t careful, Dwayne puts some moonshine in her martini glass and she’s out for the count. This leaves Dwayne with full thought powers, which is normally detrimental to my homework, work ethic, and anything dealing with “math.”

First, I think about winning the Lottery, which I never play. I think about what I would do with $270 million because that’s how much I would win after taxes. I fantasize about all of my money and how I would spend it. I have list of people in my head to which I would give checks and a group of organizations that I would be likely to donate.

Then, I think about Cabot Cove and how everyone there must be fearful for their own lives once Jessica Fletcher returns from one of her “vacations.” I wonder how she has any family and friends left and how Interpol and the FBI don’t have files on her since she is involved in 80% of the white on white crimes.

Next, I think about how any man could think Blanche is hot and how Dorothy must be a transvestite. Is Rose a functioning retard? Lastly, why doesn’t Sophia know any Italian or have an accent?

After this, I’m either asleep or in a frozen catatonic like state.

I’m currently working on a way to kill off Dwayne and finally be rid of all of those fart/poop jokes and the constant showing of my nipp…

Hoooole. Lee. Well, sun of a gun, a Lifetime made for TV movie is on. be right back.

Anal Sex Hurts, But in a Good Way

Fucking fuck.

I hate the end of the semester. HATE IT!

Yet another semester with a bullshit class. I have a billion group meetings this week, a presentation, a 60 second radio spot (because the asshole didn’t think giving us a paper and presentation was enough), and a “Retirement Scrapbook” for work.

Harder. Harder.

Work isn’t letting up either. I have a billion things due in the course of the next month. One of our key team members is retiring and leaving for good on top of it all. Like my mom always said, “When it rains, doesn’t matter cuz someone will still beat your ass and shiv you ‘til you ain’t nothing but some lump of messed up shit.”

Faster. Faster.

Then, next week I have another paper due, a presentation, final, and I have to manage the transferring of a rather huge project to another company.

Ok. Red light. Red light. Oh fuck, what’s our code word for “STOP?”

Then my friend emailed me some questions from her final to see if I could help her since I already took the class. No pressure or anything.

Example:
A firm in an oligopolistic industry has identified two sets of demand curves. If the firm is the only one that charges prices (i.e., other firms do not follow), its demand curve takes the form Q=100-10P. If, however, it is expected that competitors will follow the price actions of the firm, then the demand curve is of the form Q=59-5P.
1. Develop demand schedules for each alternative and draw them on a graph.
2. Calculate marginal revenue curves for each.
3. Draw the appropriate marginal revenue curve.
4. And about 3 more questions that I don’t feel like typing

Ok, so I’m glad that I don’t have that class again. I remember how much I hated it, but apparently have forgotten how to solve economic quandaries. I figure if the President of the United States doesn’t need to know these things, then why should I bother retaining this information?

Donkey nuts. That’s better. Donkey nuts.

“…I know! Sex with my dog!”

We’ve all done it. We’ve all heard the tail end of a conversation that makes us wonder what the hell the rest of the conversation was really about. You walk in the bathroom or past an open door and then there you are stuck with this weird little tidbit of complete nonsense for the rest of the day. It’s like having “Don’t Stop Believin’” stuck in your head.

“Sex with my dog? Why would that even make sense? How could that possibly even fit into a normal conversation?”

Things I have overheard in the past few days:

Funny:
1. …We aren’t communists! – From the office of someone at work
2. …Chippy died? Wait. Who’s Chippy? – Cell phone lady
3. …How big was it? Oh wow. That is big. – Cell phone man
4. …I can’t believe the harmonica was that much. – In a bathroom
5. …eeeeeeerrrrrreeeeeeerrr zing zing eerrrrrr – A woman I can only assume trying to do her best Mothra impression.

Funnier:
Setting - Girl and friend in bathroom of a club in Baltimore.
Girl: Can you believe I almost got herpes from my girlfriend who could have got it from my mom?!
Friend: Oh my god! (Then awkward silence and a desperate look as she notices someone just walked into the bathroom)

Funniest:
I was the Girl*. The person that walked in actually said, “Wow that was a weird conversation walk in on.”

So I will conclude with the following happy tidbit:
“Don't stop believing
Hold on to that feeling
Streetlight people”

Streetlight people? What the fuck does that mean? Great. Four days of this shit being in my head.


*My mom had a cold sore, which is technically a form of herpes, and then she shared a chocolate cake with my girlfriend. I was paranoid and refused to have sex (oral) and kiss her for like 3 weeks. It was just like we were in “Pretty Woman” except that in addition to not kissing we also didn’t have sex. Oh, and I’m not a whore, erm, “paid sex professional.”