Regurgitation: Rules of Metro
I have taken the liberty of jotting down a few rules for the fine fellows visiting. I’m not telling anyone what to do, but with the air conditioning broken on several trains (aka sauna trains) I dare anyone one to piss me off while I’m sweating through my underpants. Gross, yes.
Do not allow your, what you make call “adorable children” and what we call “train buffers,” to swing wildly about on the poles. This is not funny. It is not cute. I’ve seen it a million times. It always ends in tragedy. Trains stops suddenly. Child splits head open on said pole. Then we ALL have to off load the train because of a “medical emergency.”
If your child is crying loudly and annoyingly, no matter how much you say “SHHHHHH. Sweetie, SHHHHH” they will not shut the fuck up. Leave the train. When Metro riders stare at you it is because they are really pissed. Don’t smile and say “It’s her first time on a big city train.” I don’t care. I’m trying to do my sudoku.
For the last fucking time STAND TO THE RIGHT. I know. I know. Observation isn’t one of your high points. But please take a look around. You are just pissing off the 50 metro riders behind you that had to stop abruptly and now have their faces shoved up the ass of the person in front of them. Remember, I've got a bad case of swamp ass.
Yes, there are big maps of the stops and stations in each of the trains. But people sit in front of them. Don’t stick your icky, tourist, germy, finger around my face. Touching the map will not make you suddenly appear on the right train.
There is more than one door to every train. You are allowed to you use them. Try to pry the doors open if they close before your slow ass grandma can get in. Also, feel free to stand directly in the path of the opening doors. No one really wants to get off the train anyway. But remember when you do stand in the front of the doors and people curse at you and shove out of the way, well that’s a story for your friends from home.
To My Fellow Regular Patrons:
1. Flatulence. I know you did it and you know you did it. Seriously. The only way to avoid the condemnation of fellow riders is to immediatly look at someone else with abject disgust (like an old lady or a really fat person).
2. Cell Phones. If you have one, use it. That’s what they’re for. Talk loudly because I do want to hear if Bobby totally likes you. Or repeat “No. WHAT? I can’t hear you!” over and over. Also, if you have a cell phone then try changing the ring tone on volume level 5 especially if is a classical rendition. And make sure you listen to the whole thing before going on to the next possible ring tone.
3. Reading While Standing. Everyone reads on the Metro. So if you brought a book or newspaper stand in place and use both hands to hold your reading material. The basic scientific tenants of gravity and motion do not apply on Metro so as it lurches forward before and after each metro stop you will not be affected. If, by chance, you fall or lose your balance it is ok to use others to stop yourself.
4. I’m Traveling. To those of you that have the new, cool suitcase, book bag wheelie things, the more the better. It is always best to have many on hand just in case you are traveling or need a change of clothes at the office. The new wheel bags are also good for tripping up people as you ever so mental-retardation-slowly wheel them across the platform.
5. The Doors. Please be aware that all Metro train doors work like elevator doors. All you need to do is stick your book bag or arm between the closing shields of death to stop them from closing. Pay no attention to the Ding-Dong noise. That only means you have more time to stick your arm in the doorway. Also, for those of you standing on the platform, try to stand more directly in the pathway of the train doors. We don’t get to stare and smile at each other enough. This action does not hinder the off loading and boarding of the trains at all. We need more face to face contact with our friendly neighbors.
6. Escalator. Run to the nearest escalator with your wheelie bags to make it to the next train. Then once on the escalator stand on the left side. Standing on the escalator helps people slow down and enjoy the scenic view of your ass. Remember if you have flatulence, stare in disgust at the old lady beside you.
7. Train Tickets. It is best to wait until you are in front of the fare card exit booth before trying to find your card. Again, this will allow people the chance to walk around and read the fun metro signs in the stations.
I hope this helps! It is good to remember at least once a year.
Do not allow your, what you make call “adorable children” and what we call “train buffers,” to swing wildly about on the poles. This is not funny. It is not cute. I’ve seen it a million times. It always ends in tragedy. Trains stops suddenly. Child splits head open on said pole. Then we ALL have to off load the train because of a “medical emergency.”
If your child is crying loudly and annoyingly, no matter how much you say “SHHHHHH. Sweetie, SHHHHH” they will not shut the fuck up. Leave the train. When Metro riders stare at you it is because they are really pissed. Don’t smile and say “It’s her first time on a big city train.” I don’t care. I’m trying to do my sudoku.
For the last fucking time STAND TO THE RIGHT. I know. I know. Observation isn’t one of your high points. But please take a look around. You are just pissing off the 50 metro riders behind you that had to stop abruptly and now have their faces shoved up the ass of the person in front of them. Remember, I've got a bad case of swamp ass.
Yes, there are big maps of the stops and stations in each of the trains. But people sit in front of them. Don’t stick your icky, tourist, germy, finger around my face. Touching the map will not make you suddenly appear on the right train.
There is more than one door to every train. You are allowed to you use them. Try to pry the doors open if they close before your slow ass grandma can get in. Also, feel free to stand directly in the path of the opening doors. No one really wants to get off the train anyway. But remember when you do stand in the front of the doors and people curse at you and shove out of the way, well that’s a story for your friends from home.
To My Fellow Regular Patrons:
1. Flatulence. I know you did it and you know you did it. Seriously. The only way to avoid the condemnation of fellow riders is to immediatly look at someone else with abject disgust (like an old lady or a really fat person).
2. Cell Phones. If you have one, use it. That’s what they’re for. Talk loudly because I do want to hear if Bobby totally likes you. Or repeat “No. WHAT? I can’t hear you!” over and over. Also, if you have a cell phone then try changing the ring tone on volume level 5 especially if is a classical rendition. And make sure you listen to the whole thing before going on to the next possible ring tone.
3. Reading While Standing. Everyone reads on the Metro. So if you brought a book or newspaper stand in place and use both hands to hold your reading material. The basic scientific tenants of gravity and motion do not apply on Metro so as it lurches forward before and after each metro stop you will not be affected. If, by chance, you fall or lose your balance it is ok to use others to stop yourself.
4. I’m Traveling. To those of you that have the new, cool suitcase, book bag wheelie things, the more the better. It is always best to have many on hand just in case you are traveling or need a change of clothes at the office. The new wheel bags are also good for tripping up people as you ever so mental-retardation-slowly wheel them across the platform.
5. The Doors. Please be aware that all Metro train doors work like elevator doors. All you need to do is stick your book bag or arm between the closing shields of death to stop them from closing. Pay no attention to the Ding-Dong noise. That only means you have more time to stick your arm in the doorway. Also, for those of you standing on the platform, try to stand more directly in the pathway of the train doors. We don’t get to stare and smile at each other enough. This action does not hinder the off loading and boarding of the trains at all. We need more face to face contact with our friendly neighbors.
6. Escalator. Run to the nearest escalator with your wheelie bags to make it to the next train. Then once on the escalator stand on the left side. Standing on the escalator helps people slow down and enjoy the scenic view of your ass. Remember if you have flatulence, stare in disgust at the old lady beside you.
7. Train Tickets. It is best to wait until you are in front of the fare card exit booth before trying to find your card. Again, this will allow people the chance to walk around and read the fun metro signs in the stations.
I hope this helps! It is good to remember at least once a year.
posted by MKD @ 2:44 PM
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