My, What a Big Head You Have

I get a newsletter every so often titled “Professionals in the City Events.” Normally, the e-mails are a bit weird and suggest strange meetings and events to go to and what dates they are available. One would assume that “Professionals” would mean that they are about careers and ways to build one’s resume or how best to articulate your need for a raise.

Here is the one I got today:



It is for a Four Minute Dating Singles Party...that is Halloween themed? What are these people doing in “four” minutes? Apparently wolves are involved and they give you sensual back massages while eating your head.

Wow, this really is a perfect Halloween date!

Today is a day

Fuck.

Yep. That is all I have at the moment.

So far this month has sucked some major big balls. The kind with smegma on them.

- Someone in my life, once completely OK, is now having a nervous breakdown, gone completely insane, or is need of serious legal help. I’ve disclosed too much.

- My cousin died. He was 27 had a 4 year son and one on the way.

- The one actual real live class that I have nibbles at my heart, tickles my ear, and then guts me by my anal orifice.

- My thesis crap (analyzing, writing, and etc.) needs to be completed by the 31st.

- I still haven’t purchased or made my Halloween costume. This is unlike me since this is the bestest holiday ever.

- At least I can take solace in the few shows that I know obsessively watch. However, “Lost” is really fucking getting on my nerves. I just might decide to pretend to maybe sorta not watch it.

Fuck.

Team America: World Police

Big B is strategerizing and staying the course. Of course.

I’m confident. We’re a team. He has a team. It is all about teamwork.



And a fancy song.

Neck Fat Saves Child

This is yet another example of how horrible I am.

But maybe you'll laugh too and then that means we both are horrible.

Like it matters. It was fucking hilarious.

Bubble Bee of Death

The “bubble bee” ringtone has been featured in like three successive Law & Order episodes. Apparently it is a new ringtone that adults cannot hear. The sound is super high and at a range that adults over and around the age of 30 can no longer distinguish. Of course I was super curious, much like my curiosity about Screeches new movie and something called a “Dirty Sanchez.”

Like most of my bad ideas, such as actually googling “Dirty Sanchez,” I went out to find an example of this ringtone and to see if I could, at 28, still hear it. Finally I found a MP3 version and downloaded it.

I made sure the volume was super high on my computer speakers so that I could really hear it. I was actually nervous about not hearing it. I’m pretty sure that would mean that I am old.

Then it played. The whole apartment broke out into disarray. The cat began running in circles, meowing and the dog howled. AsianPixie came out to the computer screaming at me to shut the fucking thing off only to find me at the computer directly in front of the speakers holding my ears and rocking back and forth.

I can indeed hear the piercing ringtone. And now I have a headache.

This seems like an all around dumb idea. You get a headache every time your phone goes off or at least, I would imagine, you would desperately fumble to turn off the excruciating noise thereby negating the whole “no one knows about my phone” thing.

Also, it seems kind of stupid in a school setting where 99.9% of the people would be able to hear your phone, including teachers. Remember teachers graduate at age 22.

It wouldn’t be a winner on the job unless you work for AARP or the Social Security Administration.

I’m sticking with my “Check On It” ringtone. And when that isn’t suitable my phone comes with the latest in technology – it vibrates...a silent mode.

I like the vibrate setting because I enjoy when people call over and over again.


(Here is another version of the MP3 and article)