Snark & Shit

I must have the really oily ears because random fuzz (that apparently is also in my ear) sticks to the front of my cell phone, which makes the picture of my dog (my cellphone wallpaper) appear behind a distorting layer of haze. I started to carry rubbing alcohol soaked cotton balls with me, but people kept staring at me in the Metro. I figured if people can clip their nails, shave, and paint their nails, why can’t I smear around my ear oil?

A lot of people have been seeing my vagina lately. It is an almost maddening task to keep my cootch in tip top shape at all times. I’ve decided that I must shave my asshole because, like the stray hairs that are traveling down my thigh, the hair around my butthole has suddenly decided to be a pony tail. I figured, “Hey, if I keep the front all prim and formal and the back all long and creepy, well that is like having an ass mullet.”