Sarcastic and Cynical

Happy Day to the Vets

2009-11-11T12:07:00.001-05:00

Today is Veterans’ Day and in honor of the brave men and woman fighting for freedom, etc. I will post something that nothing to do with them whatsoever.

- I can’t consume broccoli, chocolate, coffee, any alcohol, soy sauce (!), Taco Bell, McDonalds, onions, and garlic.
- I can longer say “I’ve never had poop in my mouth” which means at least another 10 points on the Purity Test (regardless if its cheating)
- Most men no longer look me straight in the eye but to be fair my boobs are GIANT (36G)
- Where did this hair come from? Seriously. Am I shaving my legs or trimming my pubes?
- My nipples are mostly purple now. And flat. What?
- My vagina has changed
- We now have friends in two categories: Parents and Non-Parents
- My life revolves around eating and sleeping only not my eating and sleeping habits
- Being off my BPD meds is the hardest thing I’ve ever done (minus the obvious)

Buggery

2009-11-04T19:43:00.003-05:00

In the beautiful state of South Carolina a man has been found guilty of a disgusting sex act - having sex with a horse. He got THREE YEARS in prison for that. I'm not a proponent of sex with horses. In fact, if I were running for office I would run a platform strictly against horse sex. Not because I don't find horses sexy, but because their large, strange eyes can't choose their sexual partners (free will and all that).

What I find weird and disconcerting about the whole story though wasn't that a man got caught having sex with a horse (for the second time), but that he was found guilty of "buggery."

Apparently the definition of buggery is "sodomy." So the man was sentenced and found guilty of sodomy and NOT animal cruelty, which means that sodomy is still illegal in South Carolina? Wow. OK.

Also, does that mean that when someone calls you a "little bugger" (with or with out an English accent) that they are actually calling you a "sodomite?" Which is kind of like calling something lame the word "gay." These moments of awakening was like when I realized what "cotton picking minute" really meant. Only instead of slavery its about anal sex.

So basically in S.C. you can get three years hard time not for animal cruelty, but instead for the act of sodomy. Good job, South Carolina. So if I run across the street to break into a house, do I get arrested for jaywalking or burglary?

New Rules

2009-06-26T18:59:00.001-04:00

Now that I’m a mom I have found there are certain activities I can no longer engage in because of my inner fear of death or severe injury. I’m not sure where this deeply imbedded aversion has come from but it is overwhelming.

I can’t stomach the thought of rollercoasters, speeding and driving erratically, base jumping, or even riding a motorcycle. This strange feeling of survival is new to me. Once in Ocean City, Maryland the undercurrent started to pull me out to sea and when I had given up the fight to live approximately 15 feet from the beach, a friend pulled me to safety. Clearly, I was missing that drive to live earlier and now that I have babies, I have this new desire to stay alive.

I’ve also come up with a list of places I will no longer visit or frequent due to a statistically higher chance of death, bodily assault, or dismemberment as per intelligence garnered from the media:

Jogging paths near any type of wooded areas
Dark alleys
JB’s neighborhood
Air Shows
Any establishment where people go by nicknames instead of first names
Cabot Cove
Hudson University
Jumbo Jets
Sunnydale

I’m keeping an ongoing list so if you can think of any other places please let me know ASAP. I don’t want to unwittingly take undue risks with my life and limb. That’s how I roll now.

Stupid Stupid Stupid

2009-06-23T10:19:00.002-04:00

In response to the recent Metro accident a Facebook friend posted the following:

[Name] says all things work according to his plan. No matter what you are going through, know in your heart that God knows what you really need. Hold your head up high and remember the battle is the LORD'S! You don't have to fight it.....God will do it for you. Stop getting in his way!

Give me a fucking break! Wait, what was I thinking? Of course God was up there thinking... "Hmmm we need some more angels or whatever. Let me cause a horrific accident where 100 people are maimed and 7 people die a tragic, painful death. Amen to me!”

Shut the fuck up. I hate that shit. Get your stories straight. Either He is loving and great or randomly kills His “children.” It’s like when people responded to our babies in the NICU for 9 weeks with bullshit phrases like “God knows what He is doing” or “God doesn’t give you more than you can bare.” Total crap. If your God kills babies because he needs another fucking baby angel then your God is a sadistic fucker full of hate.

People got hurt and lost their lives yesterday. The Lord did nothing to cause this shit and it isn’t part of a “plan.”

Grow up.

Misunderstanding of This Thing Here

2009-06-15T14:32:00.002-04:00

I would classify myself as “liberal” but I have my limits. For instance, I’m not a big fan of Obama’s health plan (another post). After a miscarriage, hospital bed rest, and preterm babies, I was worried about my thoughts on abortion. I’ve always been a prochoice kind of gal. After sobbing so hard after losing a pregnancy so early on, I had a new respect for the making baby business. And then after giving birth to twins that were 12 weeks premature and watch them fight for their lives on a daily basis, I thought this too would greatly alter my feelings on the matter.

I have found that I still believe in a woman’s right to choose, albeit with caveats. For instance, I find it a hard pill to swallow that abortions happen for non medical reasons after 12 weeks. At 12 weeks they have a human baby profile and are moving and feel pain. I can see the need for this procedure for a medical reason (major defects, mother’s health, etc.), but not so much for a woman that can’t make up her mind if she is ready to be a mom or not.

But after reading this article, I simply wanted to throw up. Third term abortions? Really?

I fought with everything I had to make to the 3rd term and made it there for two whole days before giving birth. The article notes that these procedures are only done for medical reasons. But what medical reason is there? Seriously. I’m asking. What issues come up where they have to abort the baby instead of giving birth and taking it to the NICU? Next to my son’s crib in the NICU there was a 23 weeker. She was only 1lb 2oz at birth. What would had to have happened for a doctor to advise his patient that instead of giving it their best in the NICU they would instead have to abort the baby and just know that all was lost?

Some things I just don’t understand.

My Boobs, My Sleep

2009-06-06T15:58:00.001-04:00

I fell asleep upstairs in the pumping room (Nursing Mothers’ Room) while at work. I woke up with a pool of sticky milk in my lap. And I drooled on myself. All in all it was pretty hot.

I could fall asleep anywhere for any amount of time. And now I have a pumping hickey on the side of my breast where my sleeping self made a futile attempt at continuing to pump.

And apparently I was out for like an HOUR. Awesome.

Voting

2009-05-11T16:31:00.002-04:00

What's dorkier?

A. Collecting comic books

or

B. Watching Star Trek: The Next Generation

We need help settling this argument. Thank you in advance for your help.

Lessons Learned from DC and Marion Barry

2009-04-28T11:49:00.002-04:00

Dear Marion Barry (and citizens of Washington DC),

By your recent example of leading/having an anti-gay marriage rally and protest today, I have learned some valuable lessons. I want to thank you for setting the record straight (pardon the term) and living by God’s example. I’ve learned the following things from you and hope to translate them into my every day life:

- Carry signs that state “kids deserve a mom AND a dad” even though it has nothing to do with gay marriage (people can get pregnant without being married)
- Be more concerned about “the gays” than other social issues (AIDS rate, youth violence, drug use, failing schools, etc.)
- If you are a minority, try to hate someone in a group smaller than your minority (Blacks, Jews, gays, etc.)
- Use the bible to justify your bigotry (when slaves were legal and accepted, hating Jews, not allowing women to own property or vote, etc.)
- Try to mix politics and your own personal religious views as often as possible (gay marriage, gambling, etc.)
- Try your best to oppress groups of people you hate but don’t call it prejudice, bigotry or some sort of “ism.” Instead, tell people it is “God’s will” and purport to be saving the USA from a moral hazard.

From you Marian Barry I’ve learned the most. I’ve learned that being gay isn’t the path to being a responsible citizen. And wanting the same rights as my fellow citizens is in fact ridiculous and sick. Instead, I plan to consort with people that do illicit drugs and in engage in those activities myself. I also plan on never paying my taxes again, which makes even more sense for me since I don’t currently have the same rights as you.

Seriously. Thank you random DC citizens (and commuters) and Marion Barry. Today I’ve learned so much.

Here's This Bag I Used Once

2009-04-02T07:11:00.001-04:00

Really, Mr. President? I thought you would have learned your lesson after giving PM Brown a gift set of 20 DVDs. Giving the Queen of England an iPod? Wow.

I get that you are young, hip, and the face of a new generation. But you are also representing an entire nation. I gave an iPod to my one of bridesmaids. And I got an iPod as a "thanks for being the mother of my children" gift. Neither my bridesmaid nor I am a Queen.

And if I were a Queen or PM of Great Briton, I would imagine I would expect a bit more thought. I mean what do you give a dignitary that has everything? Apparently an iPod or DVD box set. Obviously.

Not such a smooth move, Mr. President.

Oh and by-the-by, where is the greater freedom your election promised? I'm still waiting to be an equal citizen. And I already have an iPod, so no squirreling out of that with a mass produced consumer product.

Signs

2009-03-26T17:34:00.005-04:00

AsianPixie is awesome. I love her more than anything (except my tiny little babies which she also loves more than anything).

As you noticed from the comments in the last post she has made some signs to put up on my door and walls. I allowed her to put up two signs. One asks that you close the door behind you and the other asks that I not be weighed, etc. in the middle of the night. However, there were a few that I rejected, but still thought were funny.

My favorite sign is an angry one:

It seems that most people listen to the signs so that is helpful.

Random: Our nurse last night asked if we were sisters because we looked so much alike. Seriously. For those of you that do not know what we look like I'm a scottish jew and she is japanese.

Nurse Me

2009-03-24T08:27:00.001-04:00

My time at the hospital has led me to realize that like every other field or job there are people that like their jobs and people that apparently hate being at work. The group of people that hate working should not become nurses.

Most of my nurses have been awesome or at least pretty good. Sadly though there are a contingency of nurses that suck.

Examples of suckiness:
Not opening my pills in their individual packaging when I’m on a drug that makes me feel like I’m coming off of crack.

Continuously pushing on my belly even after I express concern that it is causing me to cramp.
Waking me up at 4 am to take my meds (that part is ok because it is needed) and then coming back at 5:30 am to weigh me.

Telling the morning nurse repeatedly not to wake me up extra to weigh me and her doing it anyway.

ALWAYS leaving the door open when she leaves.

Asking me if I want my bed changed every 20 minutes even if I’m clearly asleep.

Asking me inappropriate personal questions about how I got pregnant and why I did it or which one of us will be the “mommy.”

When commenting on a horrid story of a baby being found in a bag in pound saying, “I bet that baby was black. I don’t mind Hispanics though because they seem to want to keep their babies.”

Yes. Awesome.

Not A Vacation

2009-03-17T14:36:00.001-04:00

As of 23 weeks and 5 days I was put on strict bed rest due to some “issues” with our pregnancy. After a series of complications I was admitted to the hospital on bed rest, possibly for the rest of my pregnancy. So here I sit for the next 10+ weeks. As you can imagine, this is the furthest thing from fun or even relaxation.

Bless my friends, but I get a lot “you are so lucky to be on vacation” type of responses. Of course, I know that they say this to cheer me up. But I’ve come up with a list of things not to do on vacation:
1. Have your cervix sewn shut
2. Bleed from your vagina while not on your period
3. Never leave one place, specifically a bed
4. Never ever go outside
5. Have a catheter
6. Have an IV
7. Not eat anything but apple juice for 3 days
8. Worry that your kids will not be OK
9. Not wash your hair
10. Ask permission to get a shower

I think that covers the basics. There is nothing worse than hospital bed rest (except for my babies being born this early). I love the kind words and the encouragement, but this is no vacation. But thankfully Randy and Barbara are doing great and seem to enjoy the warmth of my womb. For now.

Friday's Song

2009-02-27T08:08:00.000-05:00

My new favorite song for the last week:

Santigold - Lights Out

I'm not sure what I would do without iTunes and YouTube, especially now that I've lost my beloved LaunchCast. Please send me new music suggestions. And if they don't suck I promise to download it. Make me proud.

I Hate Billy Mays

2009-02-19T13:27:00.002-05:00

Finally! Someone else gets it!

moar funny pictures

Tiny Little Balls

2009-02-04T18:09:00.001-05:00

1. Today AsainPixie and I had a contest via e-mail to see who had a more Type A Personality by taking random personality tests we found online. And I got mad because she was "more A" than me by 5 points.

2. I finally got a new bra...a 38G. You can no longer see any of my actual skin from my belly up because the material pretty much covers my entire upper body. However, because it is "flesh toned" it may actually look like part of my actual skin.

3. When I forget my fiber or colace my bodily waste consists of deer droppings.

4. I have passed judgement on that woman that just gave birth to 8 kids. What were the doctors thinking to implant 8 eggs and why did she need more children after having 6 already? I also extremely dislike the Duggars. 18 kids? Really? That is dumb and creepy.

Names

2009-01-26T18:54:00.002-05:00

Now that we know we are having twins and now that we know we are having a boy AND a girl, it is now time for names!

We've come up with some possible names:
1. Brandon and Brenda
2. Tobias and Tanya
3. Pork and Beans
4. Stone and Willow
5. DamEAN and Chr'STEE

jb112 had this classic suggestion:

You should name them "Long Shot" and "Bonus." And then their middle names can be "Success!" and "WTF!"

Long Shot Success! Lastname
Bonus WTF Lastname

I'm going to start stitching their birth announcements now.

We would love to hear your suggestions. I mean we've already picked out the names, but I will pretend to take any of your suggestions seriously.

I Have Three Hearts Beating

2008-12-31T11:30:00.002-05:00

Well AP finally felt it was time to announce the awesome news of our twosome surprise. So now that I am officially part of the pregnancy club (15 weeks and counting) I would like to share some information that was not told to me (jb112 likes to keep secrets).

I in no way claim this is true for everyone, but I'm sure most of it applies to at least 20% of the pregnant population.

Things I didn't know:
1. You never ever poop and when you do it rips out your colon
2. Your vagina will produce copious (and I mean copious) amounts of "discharge"
3. Your nipples get GIANT
4. You will have the need to pee every half hour
5. A good night's rest will consist of three constant hours sleep
6. You will be the horniest you've ever been ever

Things I knew but stuff was left out:
1. If you already have big boobs you will now become a "G" or greater
2. Morning sickness is all fucking day sickness and it feels like you are constantly on the verge of puking
3. Your sense of smell isn't just increased it is super human. You will smell everything...everything.

Awesome things:
1. The first time you feel them move the world stands still and for whatever reason you try to be uber quiet so you can feel it again
2. Your partner will be awesome and make you food, do your laundry, and generally love you
3. Your orgasms are the most amazing ever. Seriously. They rock.
4. Random men will hit on you for no reason at all

Happenings

2008-12-12T17:44:00.001-05:00

Things that have happened, will happen, or may happen:

1. Throw up in my office garbage can – at my new job
2. Gave money to a homeless man
3. Eaten way, way too many power bars
4. I may, in fact, poop again some day
5. Cried at every human interest story I see or read ever
6. Bought pants with spandex parts
7. Needed to be so close to AP that she actually decided to sleep downstairs (also because I may or may not have almost puked on her.
8. Tried to put on a favorite button down shirt but gave up the fight when a safety pin at to be used between more than 50% of the buttons
9. Used my gift of sarcasm against my better judgment
10. Paid one billion dollars for COBRA insurance for one month

Geesh

2008-11-19T20:07:00.001-05:00

I am sooooooo tiiiiiiiired.

I feel like my life is a rollercoaster.

I'm not complaining. I just wish I had more nap time.

Also, I would like to apologize to AP for being a poopface. I promise to do better.

Stop Hating. No, Seriously. Stop It.

2008-11-05T10:50:00.001-05:00

I am overwhelmed by feelings of pride, achievement, and optimism. Well done, America.

As for Proposition 8 in California (and various other states), it looks like discrimination will be written into their Constitution. From what I’ve read, it seems that the large African American turnout for Obama has played a pivotal role in the downfall of marriage equality. It boggles my mind how a group of people that have fought against prejudice for hundreds of years still consistently vote for prejudice.

Please read the awesome responses of your fellow Americans at Asian Pixie.

Holy Shit

2008-10-28T07:13:00.000-04:00

I have about two weeks to go before I leave a job I’ve had for more than six years. I can’t say I loved my salary, workload, or a million other crappy things about it. But I’ve met some of the most influential people in my life there. Not that they were super famous or rich, but they influenced my life for the better. I’ve met five of my closest friends there and it honestly sucks thinking about leaving.

I’m leaving my job for a better opportunity that offers a title I never thought I would have at the age of 30, a salary that rocks, and benefits that are awesome. Plus now that I will be back in the district (rather than crappy Virginia), AP can once again be on my insurance and I don’t have to call her my “friend” on all of my beneficiary forms.

However, I know there are a few things that have to change (other than the job itself). For instance, there will be no more hilarious but inappropriate betting or frank discussions about vaginas or discussions about a co-worker’s need to use one billion squares of toilet paper.

Overall, I’m excited scared. I guess that is pretty normal. I fear having to grow up and act like functioning adult. But I guess the time when I could be immature and inappropriately hilarious at work is over and I was really lucky to ever have had a job that allowed me the latitude to do it in the first place.

Ridiculous Things Said

2008-10-24T13:12:00.000-04:00

On WTOP this morning they did a bit on how culture/race is affecting the presidential race.

Person interviewed: I don’t want to sound like a racist, but I am not voting for a colored guy for president.

I love it when people use a caveat phrase before stating something completely ridiculous.

Example: I don’t want to sound insensitive, but is your little boy retarded?

Or: Don’t take this the wrong way, but I can smell your vagina from here.

Dear unknown guy on WTOP, you sounded like asshole racist.

JB112 is Old

2008-10-17T07:48:00.000-04:00

Wow, JB you are old. Like me.

Today's song doesn't really have anything to do with you, but I'll dedicate it to you anyway. Besides there are two...

The Ting Tings - Shut Up and Let Me Go (the video can't be embedded)

And

Cobra Starship - The City Is At War

Enjoy!

Jesus Christ! That’s a Fucking Dinosaur!

2008-10-14T13:54:00.004-04:00

I was reading all of these crazy things about Gov. Palin and obviously they got me worried. I mean I am gay, trying to have a gay baby, and ragingly liberal (also gay). I realize some of it is crap, but she does have this whole “people don’t cause global warming, the earth does” attitude and she is a creationist.

I wrote her crazy talk off and thought, “No one thinks this woman is qualified. She’s full of crazy, uneducated notions!”

But before I wrote her off completely I wanted to know what people like her believe. What do creationists actually believe? I mean do they really think dinosaurs were around tens of thousands of years ago? The world was created in seven days? Noah put male and female dinosaurs on the ark?

Not surprisingly, I found that there are books, journals, and websites dedicated to the practice and proliferation of creationism. In fact, they even have their very own museum. The Museum of Earth History is completely dedicated to the idea of creationism.

The “Discover” tab of the MoEH asks “Were Dinosaurs on the Ark of Noah?” And it answers the following:

Yes. From a biblical standpoint, it is extremely clear that God created all land animals on day six of the creation week (dinosaurs are land animals), and that He gathered two (male and female) of each kind of land animal into the ark.

Wasn’t Noah supposed to have lived like 4,000-ish years ago. And don’t we have exact measurements of the ark (as stated in the bible)? And don’t we have exact measurements of dinosaurs (as seen by their actual remains)? This is fluke. A museum created by functioning retard.

Wrong.

The USA Today/Gallop Poll (2007; N=1,007; +-3%) asks the following question:

"Evolution -- that is, the idea that human beings developed over millions of years from less advanced forms of life"

Not so bad. Sorta.

A CBS poll quizzed respondents on the below statements (in late 2006). Respondents had to choose which one most closely echoed their own views:

1. Creationist view - God created humans in [their] present form.
2. Theistic evolution - Humans evolved, [but] God guided the process."
3. Naturalistic evolution -Humans evolved [but] God did not guide [the] process.

OMG. 13%?! Seriously?

I give up. How can someone not believe in the basic tenets of evolution (e.g., survival of the fittest, adapting to environment, genetics/mutations, natural selection, extinction, etc.)?

I realize we’ve only had this knowledge for relatively few years (200+ years), but we now know the earth revolves around the sun and microscopic entities live and carry dangerous disease too. We can move past this.

OK, I’m not going to get into the finer points of evolution (which is accepted scientific fact, no longer a scary theory of god-haters), but this worries me.

Let's Go Over That Bridge

2008-10-10T07:32:00.002-04:00

This week's new favorite song is Land of Talk's "Young Bridge"

Crappy video and soung quality, but you'll get the idea.

I Fell On You

2008-10-03T07:26:00.001-04:00

I love Apple. Well, at least I love the iPod. Their commercials always work on me. So the new Nano ad made me cream my pants.

Check out my new weekly favorite song:

Chairlift - Bruises

The video sucks but the song rocks. Any song with clapping rocks.

The Sky Is Gay

2008-10-01T16:04:00.003-04:00

This is the awesome view from my office window after the rain today from Rosslyn looking out over Georgetown.

So beautiful that if you look right past the rainbow to the left, you can see freedom. And justice.

awwww.

I Like Killing Babies. Marry Me

2008-09-29T07:59:00.000-04:00

As disgusting as it is, there are men (& and woman) that get a sick pleasure from raping, killing, and torturing other human beings. These are the people that take our basic human mores and our normal genetic code and twist it into something mired in filth, hate, and evil.

For instance, one of the most famous serial killers in America is Theodore Robert Bundy (Ted Bundy). He got his highs from raping and killing an admitted 30 different women. Some counts of his crimes are closer to 100. Basically he would rape women, kill them, and then rape their lifeless bodies. Really attractive stuff.

Then there are less known criminals like the unidentified inmate in this story that was sentenced to death row for kidnapping and killing an attendant of a gas station in order to get some kicks on his 21st birthday.

What about Richard Ramirez/The Night Stalker? He was convicted on 13 counts of murder, 5 attempted murders, 11 sexual assaults, and 14 burglaries. And for these crimes he was sentenced to death row.

What do each of these criminals have in common besides gross negligence against their fellow human beings?

They each found love while either on trial or already behind bars. Yes, Ted Bundy, Richard Ramirez, and hundreds, if not thousands, of inmates find marriage and love still attainable after society has shut them away and sentenced them to death.

Gross, yes. But in 1967 Loving v. Virginia found that:

Marriage is one of the "basic civil rights of man," fundamental to our very existence and survival.... To deny this fundamental freedom on so unsupportable a basis as the racial classifications embodied in these statutes, classifications so directly subversive of the principle of equality at the heart of the Fourteenth Amendment, is surely to deprive all the State's citizens of liberty without due process of law.

So here we are. Those in society that have committed the vilest of sins (against Man) have the right to marry, and if not on death row, the right to conjugal visits. Mr. Ramirez found love after a freelance magazine editor wrote him 75 letters in prison. Ted Bundy famously married his wife during his trial in front of the court and many of his adoring fans.

So here in America you can rape babies, kill office clerks, torture numerous victims and if you survive the prison gauntlet, you can get married and still have carnal visits from said wife. Hooray for America.

Last I checked I have never raped, killed, or tortured anyone. I have a good job, a great education, always go by the letter of the law... but not only do I not have the same rights as my closest friends, I don't even have the same rights as the filth that society locks away.

God Bless America. Land of the free*.

*You know. Unless you don’t fit into the white, Christian, straight stereotype. Then you’re just SOL.

Early MKD Analysis

2008-09-26T22:17:00.003-04:00

OMG, You're Old

2008-09-24T10:34:00.003-04:00

Happy Birthday, Asianpixie. You're wicked hot, totally smart, and give me sex often. Hooray!

Go to SuperPoop for more AWESOME comics! I demand it.

Over Here, Kids!

2008-09-22T07:45:00.000-04:00

Apparently a firehouse in DC is supposed to be a safe haven to kids. They have fancy signs the purport their attitude of caring and safe environment–as a safe place.

The signs are clearly visible from the street, beaconing any wayward youngster into the open arms of strong, big fireman…errr ah…I mean, “the open arms of a caring, non-threatening adult, who in no way would grope said youngster.”

Or do they?

So Fucking Stupid

2008-09-18T07:43:00.000-04:00

We all do stupid shit. It’s human nature. We inadvertently say something dumb or do something not so in character. Sometimes I think it is hilarious in the moment and then later I think back and wonder what the fuck was wrong with me. I’m a master of delusion. I think myself funny and witty. But I know I say stupid shit sometimes and do stupid shit most times. I more or less get away with it because I mean no harm or because the majority of what I said is truthful and funny.

Then there are times that totally come out of nowhere...the times where ignorance meets the light of day and there you are naked and honest. I hate those times. But really it is that mixture of nakedness, humility, and utter sarcasm that really provides any insight.

Like when we were at the grocery store and I said, “Ohhhhhh. Collard greens.” And Asianpixie said, “Umm yeah. Wait. What did you think there were called?”

Sheepishly I answered, “Colored greens. I always though it was self-depreciating. Oh my god. Wait. Are collard greens an actual thing? I thought it was just broccoli!”

“aasdfadfasdfhahahahahaha,” Asianpixie breathed as she bent over in the vegetable aisle.

So basically life is a string of awkward, funny, and honest moments. Unfortunately, without aid of medication and hopped up on estrogen, I seem to have way more of them.

Typical Conversation at day 28

2008-09-15T07:33:00.000-04:00

(While Watching Psych on our DVR)
MKD: Juliet is hot.
AP: Yeah. Totally.
MKD: So you think she is prettier than me?

(While getting ready to get a shower)
AP: Hehe. Boobs.
MKD: You love my boobs?
AP: Your boobs are nice and big!
MKD: So you think I’m fat?

(While explaining my day in great detail)
MKD: I know! Can you believe...
AP: Totally!
MKD: Stop interrupting me. You always do that.
AP: Sorry. Finish your sentence.
MKD: I don’t want to now.
AP: Seriously?
MKD: “it?” There. Are you happy?
AP: Oh Jesus Christ. Hurry up and bleed already.

Bets #3: Super Hot Guy + Retarded Girl

2008-09-09T07:43:00.000-04:00

There is this insanely good looking guy that lives a few houses down from me. He is about 6’3”, has rock hard abs, enormously built arms, and is very handsome.

Sometimes when I take the dog out to pee he is doing sprints down the back sidewalk. Then when I leave for work he is all dressed in a suit with nice shoes.

This morning I walked my dog down the path and accidentally walked in front of him in his swank suit. His deep, sexy voice was all like “Oh hey. What’s up?”

In turn I said, “yahwol wa ya ...eh.”

Since in a couple of nanoseconds I went from normal girl walking her dog to being slightly retarded, I decided to rectify the situation by trying to be overly nice.

“Pet my dog” I managed to squeak.

“Umm. What?”

“You want to pet my dog?”

“Thanks. No” and he walked past.

Fantastic. I managed to go from “wait, is that girl kinda slow” to “oh look the little retarded girl with a dog.” Awesome.

JB112, after hearing my story, ensured me that all was not lost and that I had the upper hand because he thought I was mentally challenged. Now I could say or do anything and he wouldn’t care because...well...I’m slow.

There is an open bet on the table for $7 for when I see him next I have to let him walk by and then just as he passes I scream, “Name!” and when he turns around I just point at him.

That seven dollars is mine.

Bets #2: Friend List

2008-09-04T07:30:00.001-04:00

Another favorite pastime is to bet JB112 to do just about anything. She is undoubtedly one the funniest people I know.

Recently she stated that she was beginning to phase people out of her life because she can’t be bothered with an over abundance of friends. Then that led to us talking about having a list of top friends. Then that led to me betting her to make a fake list of people she enjoys talking to, going up to someone at the bottom of the list, and asking them if they have a minute to talk because choices 1 thru 6 are busy or absent.

Her List:
1. MKD
2. Jezebel
3. AZT (cell)
4. Jamie
5. Sudoku
6.
7. Sara
8. Jack
9. Roxanne
10. Maria (upstairs receptionist)

She then walked to up to Sara (#7) and asked if she had a minute to talk because “one through six” were busy.

Sara, confused, said “one through six?”

JB pressed on and said, “Yeah, here on my list of people to talk to...” as she held up the list for Sara to see.

“Oh my god, JB. Why am I number 7? Wait. Why is six blank? Sudoku?!”

“Oh. I left that blank because I knew I was forgetting someone. I also really like Sodoku. But hey, let’s make number 6 your goal!”

In the end, Sara knew it was joke and she kept the list. And I owed JB112 lunch.

Totally worth it.

Bets #1: Drink it!

2008-08-29T12:30:00.001-04:00

I’m addicted to bets. I LOVE betting people to do hilarious socially awkward things. For instance, I bet KM (a competitive eating fan) to drink 2 litters of ginger ale in 15 minutes at work. We got a conference room and recorded the fun. Slowly the 15 minutes slid by and each gulp brought her closer not only to her lofty goal but her inevitable date with the toilet. Moments after she slurped down the last drop of Ginger Ale, she ran to the bathroom. There I stood watch at the door as she puked and shit ginger ale for a solid 35 minutes. Awesome.

I came up with some illustrative frames to depict the hilarity:

Her confidence went a long way...

But her confidence began to slip as the minutes ticked by and more ginger ale entered her virgin stomach and she developed the "cough puke"...

15 minutes is up and now she is shitting Ginger Ale with pizzazz and fervor...
I’ve learned that a bet can go a long way in identifying the principles that come together to make a person. Personal inner strength, a keen sense of humor, and five bucks can take you anywhere.

Jesus Effing Christ. OMG.

2008-08-27T11:44:00.004-04:00

Ok, so I have an idea. Recently studies have pointed to the fact that HPV (human papillomavirus) is the most commonly sexually transmitted disease. Girls are contracting this at alarming rates and at younger ages. Obviously this is of serious concern.

I’m a huge fan of shock and awe. I also strongly encourage scaring the shit out of them.

The CDC is honest and has a great and informative page dedicated to HPV:

Most people with HPV do not develop symptoms or health problems. But sometimes, certain types of HPV can cause genital warts in men and women. Other HPV types can cause cervical cancer and other less common cancers, such as cancers of the vulva, vagina, anus, and penis. The types of HPV that can cause genital warts are not the same as the types that can cause cancer.

But really those are just words. Let’s take it up a notch and pass out pictures of this guy from India that got HPV*:

Here is a close up of his hands:

I think showing pictures like this, women with scraggly vaginas, men with a gross penis, and other crappy side effects of sexually transmitted diseases will go a long way in the fight against more crap like this.

*He actually got this “severe” form of HPV from a childhood wound, but still. Scary shit.

Splish Splash

2008-08-21T07:15:00.000-04:00

Normally I don’t ever write about work because I don’t really feel like getting fired or volunteered for the mandatory layoffs. However, I have this co-worker that defies bathroom normalcy.

We are on the same schedule from what I can tell. I like to take regular pee breaks. And she likes to use toilet paper - a lot of toilet paper. When you are in the bathroom with her at the same time you can her hit the toilet paper roller over and over again. It makes this distinctive puttering noise as it spins around.

We’ve come up with several theories as to why any human may need so much toilet paper during one sitting:
1. She has severe diarrhea on a daily basis
2. She wraps her hand in toilet paper up to her elbow and tries to catch her poo
3. She has copious amounts of vaginal leakage
4. She uses enormous amounts of toilet paper in the water to cushion the drop and avoid splashing noises (going theory)
5. She pees all over herself and then wipes down

I doubt we’ll ever know why exactly she uses an entire roll of TP each and every excursion into the bathroom.

That’s Our Bush

2008-08-06T13:52:00.002-04:00

March 31, 2008 - Bush argues that the Olympics are a sporting event, not about politics.

July 4, 2008 - Bush reiterates his belief that the games should not be political.

August 6, 2008 - Bush offers harsh criticism to China for human rights issues before traveling to the Olympics.

How’d You Get Your Baby?

2008-08-01T07:28:00.001-04:00

Yes, I’ve shared my desire of eventual pregnancy with many people. It was a life choice that came on with such intensity. Asianpixie and I saved, talked, and researched every aspect before finally jumping into this process full throttle.

People would say, “Now that you’ve bought a house, now what?” I would answer that I was getting married and I hoped to start a family.

Of course me starting a family automatically makes your head fill with wondrous questions about how, where, what, and sperm. But unless you are my close friend or someone reading this blog, I’m going to have to ask you to keep your stupid questions to yourself.

People catch me off guard and ask really personal questions about the ins and outs of how Asianpixie and I will procreate.

News flash: It’s none of your fucking business.

Seriously, is it normal to ask straight couples that are trying to start a family what sexual positions they are trying or how often they check their temperature for peak chances of pregnancy?

So the next time you are about to open your mouth and ask your lesbian acquaintance questions about their sex or personal life, just don’t do it. It is annoying.

Search for the answers on Google like the rest of the world.

Vita-Ouch!

2008-07-29T07:15:00.000-04:00

There are four basic common knowledge facts about prenatal vitamins:
1. They are fucking HUGE
2. They taste gross and make your stomach feel like poo
3. Your hair grows like I would imagine a super hero’s hair would grow – fast and strong
4. Your nails grow ridiculously fast

These are all manageable. The weirdest side effect for me are the nails. I’ve never really cared for having nails. I used to be all about the outdoors and they didn’t do me much good. Then I picked up the awesome habit of biting them. But that was cool because it turned out I was a lesbian and nails aren’t such a good thing to have.

Wink. Wink.

Anyway.

I just cut them off last week…

Wickedy Wack, As The Kids Say

2008-07-25T07:07:00.001-04:00

Queue some awesome mad beats. That’s right, let it drop.

Bag in hand, I’ve been sitting around thinking about my predilection for various combinations of foods. I could pretty much eat the entire container of salt and top that off with a giant, velvety, cheese danish.

I’m thinking my stellar eating habits have a lot to do with my daily injections of Progesterone in Oil that I get ass-ish area. I’ve also gained a billion non-pounds in general bloatedness. I haven’t really gained any actual weight but I feel more giant. Also, I’m gassier. Way gassier.

Thankfully I have my Rap Snacks to keep me on track. Not only do they motivate me to create, love, and practice my mad skillz, they also give me daily inspiration to follow my dreams.

As Stat Quo says, “Pursue your college degree.” Truer words have not been spoken.

Picture It Sicily 1923

2008-07-22T16:38:00.002-04:00

It is sad, sad news that Estelle Getty has passed away today. The Golden Girls is one of my top most favoritest shows of all time. There was so much to love and Sophia made it all the better.

Boo to loosing such an awesome actor (and great person).

Parlance

2008-07-17T07:08:00.000-04:00

You’re right, Claire. You’re not retarded. You write with chalk like a professional!

A great song came on my LaunchCast and admittedly I got a wee too excited as I tried to do the moon walk (why?!). But my heels got caught on the carpet and I fell on my ass. Luckily my office door was closed.

I read this article about bisexuals and learned that “Animals don’t do sexual identity. They just do sex.” Spoken like a true bisexual.

Sadly I missed one of my ass hairs. Asianpixie saw it wisping around and pulled it thinking it was a trapped head hair. Again, it was not a head hair. Wait. Do I have pubic head hair? Oh no. My 11th grade English teacher had pubic head hair. It was terrible.

I secretly love that Katy Parry “I Kissed A Girl” song. You may commence losing respect for me.

No, I’m Not Sad

2008-07-14T15:17:00.001-04:00

As Asianpixie has mentioned, we are either giving or getting shots everyday. Mine mostly consist of a very large needle in my back/ass area. I’m ok with this. It hurts, but I can get over it.

The part that sucks? Pumping massive amounts of estrogen into my body. Normal levels are at or below a 50 count. Currently my levels are at 400. The side effects are what are getting to me. I’m officially off cigarettes (8 months), alcohol (10 months), and now my bipolar medication (mere days). I find I can’t ride the Metro anymore because I’m either sick to my stomach or really, really anxious.

Anxious. Jesus. How do people with anxiety issues function? This is the worst shit ever. Ever. I would rather be manic or depressed than deal with this terrible pit in my stomach all of the time.

But I feel more for Asianpixie because she mostly has to deal the sad, weepy MKD. I cry at home, at work, on public transportation, over breakfast, lunch, and at shower time. The thing is that I’m not crying for a reason, it just happens.

Now Asianpixie just informed me that they are expecting her estrogen levels to exceed 1000 by this weekend.

Good lord. I advise that all people to steer clear. We’ll be the two weeping lesbians holding each other. This is just like our sex, except I won’t be wearing Lucite heels or sucking on my dildo.

Killer Couch

2008-07-11T10:12:00.007-04:00

Asianpixie sent me this story and I'm not entirely sure that I believe it. Apparently, a woman in Russia killed her husband with a folding couch, not by dropping it on him, but by folding him into the couch.

You be the judge.

That couch has some major torque or Russian women are beasts and the men are oh so fragile.

I've illustrated my point with before and after pictures in accurate detail:

before

after

Her Name Was Crystal

2008-07-09T13:51:00.002-04:00

Last night I watched the WE channel and saw a show about child brides. I am all for prostitution and polygamy...if done a totally politically correct and woman’s liberation way...but child brides? It seems like a large majority of them are poor, white, and unkempt. A few of the interviewees still had a wrap-around Kool-aid stain on their mouth. Too young indeed. And many of them were not just "child brides" but also "child mothers." What parent can possibly think it is socially normal for your 14 child to get married? No one had a good answer. "If tha' wha' she wan' ado then who am I?" Her fucking mom. Act like it. Jesus.

At 14 I was running a fictitious modeling agency and playing outside with my friends. I am fairly certain the thoughts of marriage did not creep up in my young, wandering mind. I don’t think I even knew what a penis looked like yet. Actually I did. Nevermind. But seriously, married at 14?

As the show continued I got bitter. I thought, “Fuck this bullshit. I’m 30 goddamned years old and can’t marry (legally) the love of my life like all of my friends are doing. But this idiot of a 14 year old can marry her 27 year old boyfriend. Fuck that.”

God bless America. The land where consenting adults can’t engage in what one would think would be a fundamental right, but a child can.

Yay! Vagina Coffee!

2008-06-29T19:08:00.001-04:00

I think we should all live here! Why? Because you have all of the amenities such as a gym, Giant Food, washer/dryer, and yes vagina coffee - free each morning!

Yay!

Come one, come all. Fresh squeezed, torrent of warm coffee straight from this lady’s twat:

*Ad from Washington Post Express June 20, 2008

Churp. Churp. Daggers of Death!

2008-06-20T10:00:00.000-04:00

I was walking towards the Silver Spring Metro next to the taxi stand when I was attacked by a renegade blue jay. The sun was behind me and I could see it flapping wildly next to me as a shadow on the ground. I would see the shadow dip and then I would feel its tiny rat claws rake into me and feel its beak bit my shirt.

I tried to quicken my pace and keep my arms close to my person, but to no avail. (I don’t know why I thought it against social mores to run really, really fast.) Again and again it dived into me. The back of my left arm got all scratched up. I ran towards a man standing next to a wall (I don’t know why).

He said, “You have a bird on you.”

I screamed, “I know!”

He swatted it away and said, “It got me too earlier.”

Relieved, I said, “Thank god. I thought I was in a movie!”

We both laughed and the bird shadow was gone.

So now I’ve been struck by lightening AND viciously attacked by a mad bird.

Awesome.

E=MCsquared

2008-06-18T11:37:00.002-04:00

Recently AsianPixie and I were speaking about space, time, and velocity. I know. I know. Crazy, fun times. The speed of light and all of those crazy theories are quite confusing.

But it led us to an argument. Obviously.

Recently, scientists found several new “Earth-like” planets. For one of these planets, the length of a rotation around its sun of a mere 20 days. Ours in comparison is 365 days. Due to the “extremely rapid speeds” at which they rotate, does this affect the rate at which we would age on this planet, all other things considered equal? Would we age faster, slower, or at the same rate. Why?

Additional information regarding the planets is found at the above link.

Pontificate and let me know. This is driving me mad! Also, I think I’m right.

NOOOOO!!!!!!

2008-06-13T15:55:00.003-04:00

NBC's Tim Russert dead at 58!

I'm very sad. Very, very sad.

My thoughts and prayers are with his family.

Whoa, Some Shit Happened

2008-06-09T17:45:00.000-04:00

It has been like eight years in Internet time since my last update. I’m not really sorry for that. I had some poop going on.

I’ve decided to do a pussy update to satisfy my selfish need to make it look like I actually gave a shit about updating my blog.

1. I am still fucking bipolar. It still sucks asshole. Metallic asshole.
2. I turned 30. I’m ok with this. Wait, I’m 30? Fuck.
3. My dad had another medical scare. He sucks for making me scared.
4. I want a baby more than anything ever. Ever.
5. I drank one pissy Miller Lite, my first beer in 10 months. It sucked and gave me a hangover the next day.
6. I stepped all over some woman’s wheelie bag. Fuck her wheelie bag. I’m bipolar and therefore ridiculously manic. I have no self censor.
7. I’m wicked horny all of the time. My conversations with AP end with me repetitively saying “touch it. touch it. touch it.”
8. I lost 12 pounds in 1 point 5 weeks.
9. My friend from work got into an accident and has a gross patch of skin missing on her leg, to which she said, “I can’t wear jeans because it sticks to it.” I threw up.

The end.

Taste of Metal

2008-05-15T09:27:00.001-04:00

So as the weeks are progressing I’m gradually shirking my alternative/punk exterior. Yes, I’ve already mostly moved into the “professional attire” and given up on my less than name brand items of clothing. But now comes the bigger leap. I’m removing my body piercings. I’ve already removed my belly button post. And last night, with great sadness, I removed orgasmic clit ring. I just could not mentally justify one of the best fertility doctors in the world staring at my pierced crotch while impregnating me with my lesbian lover’s baby.

I will remove my nipple piercings in next. Sigh.

There was a job posting on The Washington Post for “Director of Accountability” for DC public schools. I’m pretty sure that would be the most depressing and stressful job ever. “The kids still can’t read and there isn’t any air conditioning. Isn’t Ted our Director of Accountability? Let’s fire him.”

I’m not sure when I switched from listening to Elliott in the Morning on DC 101 to WTOP or NPR. It was clearly before my vagina piercing went missing. I have no excuse.

Björk songs are possibly the most annoying songs ever, no matter the circumstance.

Fiddle Sticks

2008-05-07T14:20:00.001-04:00

July. Fucking July. Or August. I have to wait until then until we can finally try for the baby for the first time. That will be ONE YEAR of preparation. Turns out I’m still bipolar and predisposed to eating way too many oven fresh chocolate chip cookies.

I’m not sure how I feel about my new therapist. I’m very well versed in the scientific literature regarding my mental illness. So when I fill out a “Feelings Chart” (based on the below scale), I am a little nervous about my potential improvement.

“I sometimes feel hopeless and lost.”
1 Not at all
2 Sometimes
3 Frequently
4 Outstanding

First of all, the “question” is double barreled because it is asking two totally different things. Secondly, feeling “hopeless” about my condition is different than feeling hopeless due to lack of self worth. I need more clarification. Lastly, “outstanding?” I don’t know what that means.

I’m pretty much manic all of the time, with the exception of when I’m utterly depressed. This whole no medication thing is rocking my shit hard. I wonder if my brain will ever “settle down” or this will just get harder and harder. I wish friends and family would really get it. I joke about it a lot, but in actuality this is really sucking.

Send an email to AP. She needs the support.

Why I love G-Chat

2008-04-29T13:02:00.001-04:00

MKD: tsk tsk shouldn't you be working?
GingerLover: i can't do my work!
slash today has been totes boring.
i'm over it.
i'm like leaving early i think
boss is away.
MKD: i have gas
GingerLover: sexy
MKD: i was thinking the same thing
GingerLover: hope you have gas while you have tearful sex
AsianPixie will like that
MKD: of course!
isn't that supposed to be how it is
That is what Uncle Benny would have wanted
GingerLover: i thought so... but maybe not. maybe that's why i have so many one night stands...?
MKD: yeah, maybe if your morning after conversation ends with "No, you are totally right. I didn't explicitly say 'No'."
maybe that means something
GingerLover: well first we start off with "what's your name?"
it's nice to start fresh in the morn, i think.
i still can't believe you didn't tell me Joan is knocked up.
MKD: i thought i did
GingerLover: i really don't think you did
MKD: i really do
GingerLover: maybe you did and i was drunk
MKD: that is possible
or maybe it was on my list to tell you when you stood me up
GingerLover: hahaha
does she have a boyf?
or better yet a shotgun wedding?
or is it just a mystery?
MKD: yeah it is her bf's baby
i think
GingerLover: doe she wear slutty maternity clothes?
MKD: they are tight
GingerLover: hahahaha
MKD: not so much slutty
GingerLover: ha
she's pretty young isn't she?
HEY!
i just had an idea!
MKD: what?
GingerLover: maybe she could give you her baby!
MKD: LOL
oh god
that is terrible
when i said your baby was cute i in no way was implying that i wanted to buy your baby
GingerLover: hahaha
slash that actually makes me think... if you are going to buy a baby you should buy it from someone cuter, so scratch that plan.
MKD: i'm breaking up with you
GingerLover: yeah right you're breaking up with me. you can't quit me.
MKD: you don't even put out
so whatev
my hands smell like chipotle
GingerLover: gross. tell AP to take a shower.
MKD: Are you like Jesse Spano in that stripper movie during sex?
GingerLover: no i'm like spitzer's whore in real life.
only for free and with younger, hotter, dirtier men.
my friend meg has the jesse spano "i'm so scared" quote in her gmail signature.
how amazing is that?
MKD: I love that scene
GingerLover: i love that scene more than jews love money.
MKD: I have my pants pulled up and it looks like i'm wearing mom slacks
GingerLover: hahahaha... you just said slacks.
ok i gotta go. i'll die if i stay here a minute longer.
enjoy your camel toe.
MKD: my pants got higher for you
GingerLover: have a lovely night. more tomorrow.

I Married That Shit

2008-04-24T13:21:00.003-04:00

Yay!

Nobody Can Find Raw-rah

2008-04-18T21:41:00.000-04:00

I was peeing in the stall next to a woman that was having the worst day. Check it: I heard her peel a pad from her panties, which then landed promptly ON THE FLOOR FACE UP between our stalls. She hesitated and made a sound of complete and utter defeat with a touch of “are you fucking kidding me?” Then she dutifully bent down and peeled it from the floor. It was gross.

Someone just called for Raw-rah
I was like "Who?"
And she was like “Raw-rah”
She said, "I spell - Rayl-ah-you-roar-ay"
And I was like “OHHHHH, Laura”
She was from China.

I complained to AsianPixie once about how if I pee hard enough it hits my thigh. I was all like, “I think it is because it hits my piercing.” She was like, “Ummmm, I think it is because your right labia is way bigger than your left.” Then we laughed and laughed.

I just bought spooge (two vials) online. Hat has deemed this Spermazon. You actually search for qualities and features of a donor and then once you’ve found a match you add it to your “shopping cart.” I commented it shouldn’t be a shopping cart at all, but a tiny little vagina.

The Bi-troversy

2008-04-15T15:29:00.001-04:00

A past post by a blogger (she is awesome) reminds me of how much my “type” still isn’t accepted in my own subculture. Since being the legal age of 18, I’ve probably spent more time than not in a lesbian relationship. I have my first college roommate to thank for introducing to these special thoughts and feelings. (And in case you are wondering, the moment of my very first same-sex kiss (age 19 with said roommate) was a very, very surreal and porn-like moment, sans lucite heels.)

Since this time I’ve gone back and forth, back and forth among the sexes and not normally at the same time. I HATE that stereotype. We aren’t sluts. We aren’t greedy. I’m just sexually attracted to both men and women. I stand by that. Yes, I’ve been in a lesbian relationship for more than 6 years. It is stable. We don’t have threesomes. I don’t have a boyfriend. And to my knowledge she doesn’t have a Harley, Jeep, or a mullet. But that doesn’t change that more than likely she is still attracted to other women just as I am still attracted to both men and women.

We had a social worker meeting with the fertility clinic so that they can make sure we aren’t insane and are good people (whatever the fuck that means). Asianpixie told me not to bring up the fact that I’m bi. Yes, they can know that I’m a completely cracked out bipolar, but not so good if they know I’m (gasp) bisexual.

AP wasn’t trying to be a bitch. She was just responding to the negative stereotypes heaped upon bisexuals (e.g., sluts, slutty, whores, sleeps around, transitional, etc.). I won’t lie. I don’t do that anymore. I don’t live in Hillbilly Land anymore with the giant grapevine that leads back to my parents’ ears.

But to be on the safe side I didn't start the conversation off by saying, “Hi, I’m MKD. I’m a bipolar bisexual. I brought my boyfriend Tony along so he’s in the loop. Just kidding. Haha.”

I’ve had sex (and enjoyed it) with men. I’ve had sex (and enjoyed it) with women.

I love my wife. I want to be with her always. But I’m still not a lesbian*. Yes, I'm married to a woman, but it is up to me to decide how I identify.

So anyway, my therapist said I need to make new gay friends (bonus points if they have children or are in the process of having children). If you are interested in hanging out with a semi-lesbian and her hot wife, please e-mail me (sarcasticmkd [at] excite.com) and we can do organic coffee and veggie sandwiches.

*But I'm not a hipshe either. What the fuck?

Dead Sound

2008-04-09T13:49:00.006-04:00

Pick someone you hate or sort of just don’t like (or in this case, pick one of your best friends).
Now choose at least three words to describe that person.
Google each word separately under “images.”

Yay, caption time!

I just helped you to waste 15 minutes at work. You’re welcome.

We were just talkin’ about the days when giant fish were everywhere, children listened to parents, and we had to walk 5 miles to school in the hot tropical sun. And then BOOM. There she was. Sure it brought back those memories. My ma woulda loved to see this. So I looked at Harold and said “it’s now or never, bud.” So then we harpooned its ass and here we are. Just like the good ole days.

No, seriously guys. Did you get it? Take it again. This is totally going to rock. I’m so going to put this up on my J-date profile. You get the reference right? Its tots hilarious. Oh my god, this is the best day ever. Let’s play kickball.

Ok, I get it Marcy! Your boobs are bigger. You’re mom and dad’s favorite. Are you happy?! But guess what? Your vagina is fucking freaky. It’s all like giant and shit. Fe fi fo fum. Hahahaha. Wait..., Marcy. Don’t leave. I’m just kidding. You’ll find someone.

I Want To Talk About Vaginas!

2008-04-08T14:14:00.000-04:00

Waste some time (9 minutes and 35 seconds to be exact) at work. The last 3 minutes gets a little tedious, but the beginning 6 minutes are exactly what I needed: violence, vagina/sex talk, and inappropriate humor.

Friday Funny

2008-04-04T11:18:00.001-04:00

Thank you, JB112.

Hiya!

For five bucks I would totally try out.

Preparation of Mind and Womb

2008-03-27T10:41:00.000-04:00

I’ve been taking my hormone shots. AsianPixie is particularly adept at sticking a giant 22 gauge, 1.5 inch needle into my ass. Along with the normal side effects (random sadness, strange eating habits, sore boobs, etc.), comes interesting pairings.

The two top side effects (for me) are sadness and horniness. Unfortunately, they seem to occur at the same time.

AP, however, is not amused by my new intensified feelings. She says it makes her feel “weird” and “dirty.” I say that I would stop crying but that I can’t help it. But apparently with each flick of the nipple so goes my hysterical sobs.

I refuse to give up. I will stifle my cries. I will not fall into the “let’s hold each other and cry” stereotype. Well, unless a Tracey Chapman song is playing and then really who can resist?

I figure she could always cover my face until I pass out. Problem solved.

Nope, It’s Not 1861. Here Anyway.

2008-03-25T11:16:00.004-04:00

The confederate flag? Really?

Yes, you have the right to emblazen it on t-shirts, hats, with an overlay of Hank Williams Jr. on it, and of course on the ever popular orange truck. It is your First Amendment right, freedom of speech and all.

Is it morally right? That is another conversation.

Why isn’t there a thriving job market in Cumberland, MD? It’s because no one and no companies want to move there. You have yourselves to blame because this is the press you are getting.

Congratulations, you have managed to make everyone from Cumberland, MD look like an inbred ass fuck.

Take a moment and look at the truck that is causing all the problems:

Now, here is the young man that has said truck:

I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that he didn’t do so well on his SAT. And five bucks says he can’t quote one complete sentence from the Bill of Rights. He also probably likes "Larry the Cable Guy."

I guess I don’t really need to explain anymore. I think his father said it all when he said, “Get her up there, buddy. My flag is gonna fly."

Calculate, Repeat, & File

2008-03-09T21:48:00.001-04:00

It's that time again...

Nothing gets me in the mood like a good W-2, 1098, or even 1099. Sexual positions? Nay! Tax forms! Huzzah! Tax Season! Yay!

I used to work for H&R Block on a year round basis and I loved doing taxes. It filled me with some sort of joy to watch a family of 9 come in, hand me their W-2 indicating they made $5,896 gross, and walk out the door with an instant rebate check for $6,000. I didn’t much like the 120-hour workweek during tax season or the fact that my boss sexually harassed me, but in my darkest hours nothing warmed me like the florescent glow of the lights above and someone’s deductible moving expenses (Form 3903).

Once the last needed documentation came in the mail, I hurried to complete our taxes and we are getting a substantial sum back again this year via electronic deposit.

Do you care? You should. There is a lot of bunkery and bullshit out there. Don’t pay to have your taxes done (unless you are really, really stupid or have a super complicated situation).

The IRS has nicely listed every free filing website on their website. Companies like H&R Block and Tax Slayer offer free services on the IRS website that are not listed on their own websites. There are a few catches (gross income caps, etc.), but for the most part you can do your own taxes free of charge electronically simply by going in the back door. It's like the anal sex of the tax world, only not. I will warn you that they will try to get you to pay for the state e-file, but most states allow you to file your taxes online for FREE. No catches. Try going to your state’s comptroller’s website and check it out.

AP and I can agree on this arrangement. She gets something for free. I get to do something dorky that I love. And then we can make sweet, sweet love atop our neatly categorized and systematically filed three-ring tax binder. Sigh. Paper cuts be damned. This about the fucking American way.

Harder, dear. I can’t feel my AGI. Who’s getting a refund? Me, bitch.

Don't Tell Your Mom

2008-03-03T20:23:00.001-05:00

Pick someone you hate or sort of just don’t like.

Now choose at least three words to describe that person.

Google each word separately under “images.”

Yay, caption time!

I just helped you to waste 15 minutes at work.

You’re welcome.

On her big day, Nadine stopped for a photo dressed in a smock that could inspire elves and wearing a knowing smile that gave away the pride of marrying a Man-Prince with a human ability score of 25.

Shortbus? Oh well, I invented Shortbus parties. Then that stupid little bitch Candace stole all the credit. But she wasn’t the one taking two in the ass every Friday for a month. What? Oh?! Sherpas? No, I don’t know anything about sherpas.

Honestly, Maurine I don’t even know why we hired you. How many fucking times do I have to tell you that you "send" files to the printer you don’t fucking e-mail them. I mean, seriously, you even included a signature. Do you really think Canon Ink Jet 1953 really gives a fuck Maurine is the Administrative Assistant? Jesus.

Snark & Shit

2008-02-26T15:56:00.001-05:00

I must have the really oily ears because random fuzz (that apparently is also in my ear) sticks to the front of my cell phone, which makes the picture of my dog (my cellphone wallpaper) appear behind a distorting layer of haze. I started to carry rubbing alcohol soaked cotton balls with me, but people kept staring at me in the Metro. I figured if people can clip their nails, shave, and paint their nails, why can’t I smear around my ear oil?

A lot of people have been seeing my vagina lately. It is an almost maddening task to keep my cootch in tip top shape at all times. I’ve decided that I must shave my asshole because, like the stray hairs that are traveling down my thigh, the hair around my butthole has suddenly decided to be a pony tail. I figured, “Hey, if I keep the front all prim and formal and the back all long and creepy, well that is like having an ass mullet.”

Stream of...Hey What's That?

2008-01-30T12:25:00.000-05:00

“There’s no statute of limitations on a hug,” so said the lady on the Metro this morning.

She was talking on her cell phone, not to me. I don’t like it when people talk to me on the Metro. It’s weird. But then again I don’t like hugs either. In general, I’m against interpersonal touching unless it involves sex.

But I’m pretty sure this woman either a) doesn’t know what “statute of limitations” means or b) is completely retarded.

This weird statement that seems intelligent but below the surface is glaringly ridiculous, made me think about how much better the world would be if people just hugged. Then that made me laugh. Out loud. Staring at nothing. On the Metro.

This then led to my thought that maybe she isn’t crazy or retarded. After all, isn’t that what Christianity is all about? Then I thought, “What the fuck? Christianity? Where the fuck did that come from?”

Then I thought, “Wow, Christianity is like a foreign language. I took nine years of French and all I can say is ‘Hi. Where is the bathroom? Don’t rape and disembowel me.’”

If you don’t use it, you lose it. Which is, of course, the complete opposite of my vagina.

So, no. There is no statute of limitations on a hug. And yes, that is one of the most retarded things I’ve ever heard.

A New Song To Love

2008-01-24T11:27:00.000-05:00

Asianpixie can attest to the fact that I easily become obsessed with new songs and profess my undying love for my new favorite song that I play over and over again until she begs for norm once again.

My new favorite: Maria Taylor - Song Beneath the Song

I hope you enjoy it.

Secrets Out

2008-01-23T11:42:00.000-05:00

Asianpixie and I have been together well over 6 years, are married, own a house, two cars, two cats, and a dog. We are stable, generous, and basically awesome people. We just have one minor problem.

We lack sperm. And we want to make a baby.

Please do not volunteer yourselves to help us make said baby. I tried that whole two girls and a guy thing back in college and it was a terrible, terrible idea. Terrible.

We’ll stick to the tried and true and anonymous sperm bank. We’ll look for my basic features: generally awesome, light hair, light eyes, highly intelligent, sarcastic, etc.

But seriously, what attributes do we look for in a donor? How do I describe myself? Not only do we need a good approximation of my physical appearance, but my personality. Do these donors just rate themselves? When is an “8” really an 8 and not really a 4? And if I have the chance, do I want to get rid of the unwanted or damaged traits that my genes carry (e.g., giant breasts, predilection for addiction, male pattern baldness, Jew hair, lack of basic mathematical abilities, etc.)?

Apparently the Maryland fertility clinic that we are going to has had a recent influx of lesbian couples wishing to go about things in the same way that we have chosen. Good for them. I know how they feel.

I can’t wait to be pregnant with AP’s baby.

Baby Time

2008-01-10T12:28:00.000-05:00

This is a goal for 2008. So is that perennial favorite, “getting in shape.”

I’ve given up alcohol (3 months free) and smoking. I’m very committed to my goal of having an “Asian baby.”

I got my baby making newsletter* and found that a BMI (Body Mass Index) of less than 25 but higher than 19 is optimal for baby making. I went to the website and calculated my BMI and found that I was “overweight” and was about 2 points over 24.9.

Then we bought a scale.

Turns out, after having recalculated my BMI, that I am obese. Just slightly obese though. I loudly screamed, “Son of bitch! I was so fucking close to being overweight!” Yes, just overweight. Seriously? Fuck that.

I’m going to get into shape, lose this weight, so I can get pregnant and get fat or so help me!

[Update: I've lost more than 2lbs and I'm now safely in the "overweight" category. However, I would like to mention, in my defense of my said fatness, that my tits weigh 11 lbs. That is 5.5 lbs per supple boob.]

*Do to our unique situation and lack of sperm we receive a newsletter that discusses options and helpful facilities.

Yay! 2008! Year of the baby!

2007-12-31T16:08:00.000-05:00

For more awesome comics go to Married to The Sea

Yum! Time for Holidays That I Don't Do.

2007-12-21T10:18:00.000-05:00

Aren't Santas really just unemployed grown men in suits?

Happy Holidays!

Jiggling for Jesus. Who Doesn't?

2007-12-19T10:10:00.000-05:00

Asianpixie has said that I have been lax in my gym attendance. In order to rectify this issue she has graciously packed a gym bag and now drives me directly to the gym from the Metro Station.

One day I hope to be so enthused about the gym that I actually wear my sports bra under my work clothes so that my ample (massive?) breasts create one large, eager entity. There won’t be any of that jiggling bullshit. Nope. My babies will be strapped down.

I want to be her. Sexy. Confident. Wearing pearls and totally into my iPod.

Why do these inattentive, pumped people still have their gym clothes on? Do they not have showers at Results gym? Does something else go on in the showers thereby making it a better option to just wear one’s work clothes on top of the sweaty gym clothes? And why have I not seen either of these people posing on my side of the Red Line?

I Donate. Can’t You Tell?

2007-12-03T11:24:00.000-05:00

There is a guy on my way to work that always (always) dons some sort of HRC memorabilia (e.g., bag, hat, shirt, etc.). Many times he layers these for what I like to call an “employee” look. I sorta love the HRC as much as the next gay man, but an entire wardrobe made out of fucking marketing materials?

The best I can figure is that he either donates one billon dollars per annum and has been upgraded from friendly address labels or he does all of his fashion shopping at the HRC store in Dupont. The latter offends my strict stereotype of gay man fashion and therefore I lean towards it being his healthy sense of giving.

It's Sad, But So Am I.

2007-11-29T11:45:00.000-05:00

Seventeen years ago I found you huddled under my bed with your eyes tightly pressed closed and your wavy, white fur crinkled close to your skin. You were hours old and were the only one that survived. Your two bigger brothers didn’t have your will or luck, I guess.

You were half neighborhood poodle and half whatever your mom was. We had eight long weeks to burden our parents with “pretty please” comments and contractual agreements involving laundry and room cleanings. We begged and we got to keep you. At first we thought you were the consolation prize from when your mom was prematurely and unceremoniously taken to a “farm.” We were so wrong.

Now seventeen years later an entire family grieves you. Only twelve when we fell in love, I can hardly recall memories without you in them. You keep superimposing yourself. It seems like forever. Now I know it won’t be. Maybe that is a sign that I don’t really get that you just aren’t going to be there. Things just won’t be the same, but it was time. How consolatory is that?

I don’t have any regrets because I know a dog couldn’t have been more loved than you, had more nick names, and certainly couldn’t have been more spoiled.

I raise a non-sparkling bottled water at room temperature to you, Lacy. Every kid should have a dog. I was lucky because I had you.

My Jesus eTOCS

2007-11-27T11:12:00.000-05:00

I’m on someone’s Jesus listserv. I don’t know how to politely ask to be removed. Quite frankly, she scares me with all of her Jesus love.

This latest message made me laugh at various intervals, ensuring my place in hell, which I would assume is the exact opposite of her intentions.

Prescribed by the great physician:

The next time you feel like GOD can't use you, just remember...
Noah was a drunk
Abraham was too old
Jacob was a liar
Leah was ugly
Joseph was abused
Moses had a stuttering problem
Samson had long hair and was a womanizer
Rahab was a prostitute
Jeremiah and Timothy were too young
David had an affair and was a murderer
Elijah was suicidal
Isaiah preached naked
Naomi was a widow
Martha worried about everything
The Samaritan woman was divorced, more than once
Zaccheus was too small
Paul was too religious
Timothy had an ulcer..AND
Lazarus was dead!
And Don't forget Jesus Helped them all!!!!
Now! No more excuses!
God can use you to your full potential.

Now for some inspirational thoughts:
1. God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts.
2. Dear God, I have a problem, it's Me.
3. There is no key to happiness. The door is always open.
4. Silence is often misinterpreted but never misquoted.
7. Do the math .. count your blessings.
8. Faith is the ability to not panic.
9. If you worry, you didn't pray . If you pray, don't worry.
10. As a child of God, prayer is kind of like calling home everyday.
11. Blessed are the flexible for they shall not be bent out of shape.
12. The most important things in your house are the people.
13 When we get tangled up in our problems, be still. God wants us to be still so He can untangle the knot.
14. A grudge is a heavy thing to carry.
15 He who dies with the most toys is still dead.

Happy Death To Natives Day!

2007-11-21T11:08:00.000-05:00

For more awesome comics go to Married to The Sea

No Sun in Sunnydale

2007-11-19T10:13:00.000-05:00

In addition to making a lasting and heartfelt vow to my beloved in June 2007, I also fulfilled a burning desire by going to the Buffy Musical Sing Along.

Sadly, there will be no Buffy in November like we were promised. The creator of the Buffy musical has started a petition to bring it back:

After a year of successful screenings around the country, the Buffy Musical, a big screen interactive version of the Buffy the Vampire Slayer episode "Once More with Feeling", was told that they were no longer allowed to license the show.

FOX, owners of the rights to the television show Buffy the Vampire Slayer, announced that they were pulling the rights to screenings not only of Buffy, but of all their televised product. While FOX (and their sub-distributor Criterion Pictures) may have an internal issue they need to resolve around bringing television shows to a theatrical setting, the Buffy Musical was a particularly hard loss. Screenings of this show have been sell-outs all over the United States, in New York, Seattle, Chicago, Boston, San Francisco, and Washington D.C., to name a few.

Buffy creator Joss Whedon even attended our Los Angeles Film Festival screening and gave the project a big shout of approval.We're hoping that FOX can resolve the issue with licensing as soon as possible.

In the meantime, we would like to let them know how strong the support for this show is - and that there is a ready and willing fan base just waiting for it to return to the big screen, so we can celebrate Buffy, and heck, make them some money...

So do the right thing and click on THIS LINK and sign the damn petition so I can have my Buffy back!

Jones-ing

2007-11-16T10:25:00.000-05:00

It is a musical rarity to find a band or artist that makes you feel something so completely, regardless if that emotion is anger, hate, love, or absolute depression.

Sure I have Fergie on my iPod. Sure I sing a long. Who can’t resist? But we all long for something more. I’m not really sure I’ve ever missed someone like a child misses his blanket though.

Therefore, I introduce Sharon Jones and the Dap Kings into evidence.

Her voice. The band. That classic sound.

Listen to her sweet, sweet sound. Buy a song or a record. Go see a show.

No, But for Real

2007-11-12T11:58:00.000-05:00

Wow. You’re right. Separate is not equal.

I never really thought about it. I mean, that is to say, I’ve been so caught up in just wanting some acknowledgement, some paper document, something, anything that says, “Hey, look, we are legal.”

I filed my name change several months ago, right after my wedding. I finally got the official papers in September, which meant I could officially change my license, passport, work benefits, etc. When I had time to slow down and think my thoughts always went back to “most people only have to check off a stupid box.” Not me. I had to file a petition with a judge and then my “intent to change [my] name” was posted and people had the right to protest that change. No one did. But they could have.

I never once thought “this is weird and different” at my wedding. I felt beautiful and the day was magical. But sometimes I wonder if some of our guests felt like it was an oddity. I hope not. We have amazingly supportive friends that don’t seem to even notice that we aren’t the typical married couple.

Then I watch interviews of the Presidential candidates. Tim Russert asks the foreboding question and you can almost see the “oh god, not this issue again” look in their eyes. Why is this issue so terrifying? Do that many people really hate me? This isn’t even how I would define myself. It wouldn’t even be in the top 5 adjectives.

So there go their answers. It is always an unequivocal “no, blah blah” or “let the states decide blah blah” or “not ‘marriage’ but maybe civil unions.”

It‘s just so…so…frustrating. Me. Look at me! I’m normal. We bought a house. We have great jobs. We both have Master’s degrees. We pay our taxes. We volunteer. We take in stray animals. We love each other.

It is insurance benefit election time at work. The great state of Virginia has passed certain laws that make it impossible for me to be honest. She is my “friend.” If I die, give my “friend” my money.

So for too long I’ve wanted to check that “married” box. I wanted to do our taxes. I wanted to count our home. There is no sly way around it. I’ve been branded by a big “G,” my tattoo of shame.

So yeah, separate is not equal. I don’t want to let the collective of my brothers and sisters in this perpetual purgatory down. But seriously, I just want to check that box. I can feel it. I don’t care if it’s not equal. I’ll take what I can get. I can be angry about the inequality of it all some other day.

I just want to be a part of the statistics. I’m married.

And if it makes you feel any better, I’m in a civil union.

There Were No Old People To Blame

2007-10-30T23:50:00.000-04:00

Today the yummy, but apparently tainted, grilled cheese & tomato sandwich from High Noon and the perpetual Red Line delays conspired against me in the most inconvenient and horrible way.

Today at work around 2 p.m. my stomach began crying, bubbling, and generally dying inside me. I ran off to the bathroom to relieve myself and the growing pressure. I then made my way to the CVS, butt cheeks clinched, where I bought an army of anti-poo liquids and pills.

Finally, thinking the coast was clear, I boarded a train home. But in typical Red Line fashion, my screaming tummy was trapped inside me while I was trapped inside a tunnel (due to “mechanical difficulties”).

I couldn’t help it.

I swear.

So that girl on the Red Line that smelled of mint, but mostly of shit, was me.

I was the mom with the kid with a dirty diaper sans the kid and I was the one wearing the dirty diaper, only the diaper was my panties. With my poop in them.

This of course is hard to explain to the Metro Man. All I knew was that I couldn’t make it all the way home. I mean I hadn’t made it more than three agonizingly long stops. The elusive metro bathrooms are open in case of emergency and what else constitutes an emergency other than a grown woman shitting her pants? Yes, actively shitting her pants.

Every move, every breath, every movement worsened my sad state. It’s not like a wee bit is set free and your stomach suddenly feels content. No. It wants to take all of my innards and shit them all over the floor. Now!

Dear Metro Man show me the way to the magical metro bath. But all that came out was, “I need. The. Oh God. Please.” My halted sentence was punctuated by my furiously loud intestines.

I was the quintessential olfactory and auditory hell patron.

And that was the day I pooped myself on metro.

Looking After My Balls

2007-10-16T14:38:00.000-04:00

In honor of Breast Cancer Awareness I’m writing about balls.

According to a new book out, “it is important for every man to check his balls (testicles) regularly and to see his doctor immediately he finds any changes in them.”

The website goes on to explain that the book “is designed to help men with learning disabilities to learn more about their balls and about how to look after them. Full colour pictures tell the ‘story’.”

For instance, here is an illustration from the book label “ballsdoctor.jpg"

Do men often talk to a balls doctor? Why are there three people in the room? Who is the guy the background?

And what man doesn’t need to know how to touch his balls in the shower. Luckily, it “includes a section called ‘How to Look After My Balls’ that can be photocopied and used as an A5-size leaflet.”

You’re welcome.

Friday Thankfulness

2007-10-12T09:54:00.000-04:00

1. My vagina is thankful for the cool weather.
2. I’m thankful not that I have a “food baby,” but that I can have one (currently I have one though)
3. The Family Circus comics and incorrectly filled in Daily Jumble that JB112 put on my office door
4. That I have my passport, driver’s license, and birth certificate because otherwise getting my name changed would have been a bitch. The process is so incestuous.
5. Playing Ping Pong and Pool in the same night with my sweet, sweet hottie
6. Monastat
7. My friends and their honesty around bears in the middle of the woods with no flashlight
8. For Sparkles because she helps me with spelling
9. That AP does my laundry, my hated chore
10. Making out with AP in the car and then looking up to see some guy staring at us in disbelief

Who Dey?

2007-10-09T12:49:00.000-04:00

Pick someone you hate or sort of just don’t like.
Now choose at least three words to describe that person.
Google each word separately under “images.”
Yay, caption time!

I just helped you to waste 15 minutes at work. Now send your handy work on to friends and loved ones.

You’re welcome.

With Chad and Warner at his side, his bros from Delta Sigma Phi, Blake didn’t fully realize the consequences of his Spring Break Madness.

Security tape footage seems to confirm that not only is Ken unable to take off his plastic molded underwear, but his sense of direction is also terribly askew. Sadly, Housewife Barbie didn’t understand even after repeated explanations from her sister, Business Executive Barbie.

Once again Mandi got confused about her Temp Job and was fired shortly after this cell phone picture was taken by “one of the guys.”

And the "Most Disturbing Photo Award" goes to....

Giant Spider Eating Out Hot Girl

That Feels Cold & Now I'm Clinching

2007-09-18T10:29:00.000-04:00

Have you ever had a day/week/month where* anal sex doesn’t just solve your problems?

I think we’ve all been there.

I may need an enema for my life.

I’m not asking for perfection. But why can’t things just be fucking “okay” for one goddamn minute? And to those of you that cause the chaos/drama/ick, think first. Feel first.

Then act.

I feel better now. Just like water falling out of my ass.

[changed from "wear" to "where" because I was dumb and Beth was smart.]

Susceptible to Advertising

2007-09-11T14:38:00.000-04:00

Damn you iTunes! Damn your Advertising!

I've given in one too many times.

My dream job would be to pick the songs/videos for the commericials. Is that even a real job? Do they have an official Song Picker? Director of Musical Delight or Catchy Song Manager?

Or

I would settle to be a shadow dancer. I've got my white headphones and some deadly moves.

You Made It Mad!

2007-09-04T14:02:00.000-04:00

During this past Saturday brunch time, I had a delicious ham filled crepe. I didn't know it was ham filled. I thought it would be tiny hams. I didn't want to be rude so I ate it.

Later that day I had sex. It made the ham mad. Very mad.

I writhed it pain and then farted. A big, fat, loud fart.

Then nothing. Nothing for several days now.

I've tried everything I can think of:

Eating a lot
Milk
Anal Sex (super bad idea)
Chipotle
More ham
Prune juice (how does anyone drink this shit?)
Castor oil (this is much like car oil only worse)
Calling my mom to find out how she got us to poop as kids
Beer
Icecream

So far nothing has worked. I'm due for my big "P" soon and can only hope that the period poo will visit early.

My mom did call to check up on me last night and I told her how I drank 20 oz. of prune juice and some castor oil and she said, "When you finally let go you're going to be able to shit through an eye of a needle."

I'm not sure what the means, but anything is better than the 12 lbs. of shit I have stored in my intestines right now.

No. You Shut Up.

2007-08-29T12:21:00.000-04:00

You know what's awesome?

Gay Senators.

You know what's even awesomer?

Not being “gay,” but yet still preferring that quaint summertime male on male cock sucking while at the airport.

Fucking hypocrite.

Definition of gay: you.

[unrelated note: death by camel sex (true story).]

Want To See My Bits?

2007-08-24T13:31:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I think that the sandwich part of the sandwich is just an excuse to eat the mayonnaise.

Why are the new, white hairs on my head short and thick, much like the consistency of pubic hair?

Why don’t I have any white pubic hairs?

I never wear corduroys because I like to sneak attack people and I don’t enjoy fire crotch.

Researchers may have just found a virus that makes people fat. Now, after quitting smoking, my mom can say that I have "the fat" and "the gay," bringing me to a new all time low.

The sound of opening a new menstrual pad is so awkward in the office bathroom. Now everyone knows.

Finally I met a work friend that gets my herpes and AIDS jokes and doesn't run to HR. Now that she has left me to wonder about weird rashes on my own, I hope she thinks of me more than a "work friend."

Why is the way that I do dishes so much worse than the way she does them? I'm pretty sure we use the same soap.

I peed with such force yesterday at work, that I farted and couldn't stop it. Then I audibly laughed. The Chief of Staff was in the bathroom washing her hands. It pretty much rocked.

The next bullet I get will not be faux metal. I hate the “clack clack clack” noise it makes against my piercing.

Atlanta is trying to outlaw baggy pants and women wearing sports bras. This is retarded. The average rating for Atlanta public schools is 3.8 out of 10. But yes, baggy pants and sports bras are worrisome too.

I think I have "post matrimony syndrome." And a rash. Right below my left boob.

Why to guys smell so much worse on a hot summer day? On Metro? I think it might be the lack of deodorant, pumping iron, and smegma.

Now That’s A Shot (in the face)!

2007-08-20T12:35:00.000-04:00

Many movie studios will only be issuing high def DVDs in HD DVD or Blu-ray. Blockbuster has decided on Blu-ray. Target will only be selling Blu-ray players.

What the fuck? Have a fucking meeting or something. Figure it out. I want to buy a player, but I’ll be damned if I buy the Betamax version of a DVD player. Bitches.

Where’s the porn industry when you need it? I guess the consumer once again plays the part of Ron Jeremy’s ass hair.

Are You Staring At Me Or My Twin?

2007-08-14T12:08:00.000-04:00

It time for super fun ads found in the print edition of The Express! I think everyone remembers the fun we had last time way back when (click the label "ads").

Apparently there is an eye doctor office offering Lasik and, for slightly more cash, what can only be described as Giant Bette Davis Eyes Syndrome. Yes, you too can look like a Sugar Glider and have perfect vision. Call today!

Have a pet monkey? Does he have pesky crooked teeth? Could his or her smile be brighter? Go to the dentist that everyone is talking about. I’m not sure where they are talking about her. I can guess why though. I mean why would you put a fucking monkey in the picture for an ad about being a dentist? That is still a human doctor right?

Now for all those fantasies to come true. Twins. They are double the fun and half the weight (I’m not sure they are that smart though because that doesn’t make any sense). You get two instructors for half the rate. I would imagine that means you are paying for one instructor, which is really all one needs. I’m pretty sure this is all some bullshit. First we can have double fun. Then it is half the weight. What weight? Whose weight? Bastards.

I’ll give you five bucks to call them and ask how you can get thin with the twins. I mean I won’t really give you five bucks, but it would be funny. I mean look how they’re posed. They want you to call. I can tell.

I Wanna See My Face

2007-08-08T11:42:00.000-04:00

Each morning, afternoon, and evening as I walk the corridor of my office building I’m submitted to a display of such religious fervor that I cannot fully comprehend. Mormons? Jehovah’s Witnesses? Catholics? Nay!

It is the Shoe Shine Man. As I walk by his stand I have a sensation of being pummeled by words. The corridor before the saving cling of the elevators is a gauntlet I must endure.

He always screams “Praise Him! Praise Him! Praise Him!” and never seems to tire of this game. I often feel bad for the guy in the chair minding his own business, getting his shoes shined. He always ends up looking tortured, like he got stuck in the middle of some sort of cultural divide that he doesn’t quite understand.

I want to share in his enthusiasm, but I’m conflicted by his need to share his religious beliefs so forcefully and loudly. So I decide on a compromise. I can share in his display of religious freedom all the while making a point. So I say, “Satan is savior!” or “I’m a Jew!”*

In the afternoons or evenings, there are a great many followers of the Shoe Shine Man. He sends his praises and they respond with an authoritative “Umm hmmm,” “Lord above,” or the ever popular “Bless Him.” They walk by waving their hands around, much like the classic hand configuration of “jazz hands” or “hey, those are some boobs.”

I can’t help thinking this is some secret club. I’m not being invited, but tested. If I guess the correct answer and hand movement, what will be my reward? Untold riches? A shortcut to the food court? Eternal life?

At last, the cling of the elevator.

*I neither believe in nor do I promote Satan. I am not of the Jewish faith.

Got My Girl & She’s A Wow

2007-08-06T05:35:00.000-04:00

It’s that time again. Fun with pictures. Fun with words.

I have terrible gas, which reminds me of the following picture for which I don’t have a caption or comment.

Be smarter than BOTOX. Be skin-tacular. For instance, if you used to be... say a 78 year old lady you can miraculously turn into a completely different person. Thank god they told us it is “simulated imagery,” which is of course market-speak for “totally real in the sense that all objects are real because they exist in the normal plane of vision and other sensory perceptions.”

And now ladies and gentlemen it is time for Martin. Martin has a dance club, appropriately called “Martin’s Dance Club.”

This is Martin:
Although the dance club is mostly oldies (as in "old people") and the obvious yet fun "gettin’ down" (not to mention Martin eating souls), there is water available and, of course, free biscuits for gentlemen (according to Margery)! All are advised to check the website for updates on the free biscuits, party times (mostly 5 p.m. to 7:30 p.m.), and hot, sweet, "slightly mature" ass.

Tonight’s The Night

2007-07-20T11:11:00.000-04:00

I’m not sad. It’s time. I’ve waited so long and it’s gotten to the point I don’t know what I’ve been waiting for. Don’t tell me you love me or that you know that this will bring us closer. No lies tonight.

I simply want to touch the fire, feel it burn. And tonight is finally the night that I give myself over to you. I've never done this before. Never with a group so large and never in such a public forum. But your charm and your wit wins me over. I have no choice.

I can feel you inside. I'm under your spell, surging like the sea, brought to you so helplessly. I break with every swell. You make me commmm...plete.

You are that dork. You are that geek. I’m ok with it now.

Also, I can rock some assless chaps. And all to the tune of Buffy.

Krispy Kreme Before Bed

2007-07-17T11:51:00.000-04:00

I felt the grasp of your hand. I remembered thinking how shockingly soft they were when you held on to me as we made our way down to the beach by way of the rocky hill with the giant sword termites. It was either sunset or sunrise. I couldn’t be sure. The sun was glowing. Everything was purple and orange.

You suddenly had blue shorts on and I could see that really cool part of your stomach. The sea turtles soon overran the beach and we ran for cover from the rain. It was an exact replica of the employee housing from the Dirty Dancing movie. I really wished they would have had music.

The wood was moldy and smelled like wetness. The air was so thick and stale. As we carefully walked across the floor my stiletto heels tapped a rhythm and your shoes made the joints squeak. Darkness set in like fog clouds. I had goosebumps. You told me not to shine my light on the ceiling in case we woke up the tiny mummies. It was like everything was teetering between normalcy, sexual exploration, and terrifyingly morbid.

Abruptly, we were in what seemed to be my Middle School gym. There was a futon in the corner. Out of nowhere you and I were there on the mattress. You hooked your thumb between my pants and my side, sliding them down to my ankles. Before I could protest we were in engulfed in some amazingly hot sex. “Fucking” actually. I was sweating and you were sweating. We echoed in the gym, which was now my apartment. Right as I was blissfully happy the roof of my apartment opened up to reveal the solar system. Naked, we ran along the walls feeling for the hieroglyphics that would show us the way back to the beach.

Then the cat stepped on my face.

So when I see you next weekend we can pretend this never happened. I mean...which it didn’t because it wasn’t real. I don’t even know why this happened. I don’t find you particularly attractive not because you aren’t but because you are my friend. And it’s weird.

So I’ll be the big person in all of this and pretend like I’ve never seen your hoo-ha or your face contort in that way. We can play this off. Really it is rather embarrassing.

Battle Cry America

2007-07-09T00:08:00.000-04:00

Each year I try to help those that visit our beautiful city remember a few short rules. The argument can be made that tourists have no idea who I am or why they should visit my blog to see these said “rules.” All good points. Basically I can hope that someone sees this and it passed down through the ancient storytelling ways of the tourist.

Newly updated rules:

Obviously shopping is fun. Beware the $50 Fendi. Seriously, don’t be retarded. And take off that ridiculous FBI hat. No one thinks you’re in the FBI.

Look at all of you wearing the same tee shirt! It really does help you stand out and identify fellow group mates. However, standing near Metro entrances/exits can be hazardous to your health as most non-tourists are likely to cut you with their worn and broken plastic Metro Cards.

Overheard: “Try to blend in.” Ok, yes I know that trying to “blend in” is good for the tourist due to safety and comfort reasons. This objective may be difficult to achieve while wearing a fanny pack and shorts. Most people in D.C., bitchy and mean as they are, have day jobs and tend to shy away from the “tourist look.”

Regurgitation:

(Originial July 13, 2005)

Do not allow your, what you may call “adorable children” and what we call “train buffers,” to swing wildly about on the poles. This is not funny. It is not cute. It always ends in tragedy. Trains stops suddenly. Child splits head open on said pole. Then we ALL have to off load the train because of a “medical emergency.”

If your child is crying loudly and annoyingly, no matter how much you say “SHHHHHH. Sweetie, SHHHHH” they will not shut the fuck up. Leave the train. When Metro riders stare at you it is because they are really pissed. Don’t smile and say “It’s her first time on a big city train.” I don’t care. I’m trying to do my sudoku.

For the last fucking time STAND TO THE RIGHT. I know. I know. Observation isn’t one of your high points. But please take a look around. You are just pissing off the 50 metro riders behind you that had to stop abruptly and now have their faces shoved up the ass of the person in front of them.

There is more than one door to every train. You are allowed to you use them. Try to pry the doors open if they close before your slow ass grandma can get in. Also, feel free to stand directly in the path of the opening doors. No one really wants to get off the train anyway. But remember when you do stand in the front of the doors and people curse at you and shove out of the way, well that’s a story for your friends from home.

If you have a cell phone, use it. That’s what they’re for. Talk loudly because I do want to hear if you are enjoying the city. Or repeat “No. WHAT? I can’t hear you!” over and over. Also, if you have a cell phone then try changing the ring tone on volume level 5 especially if is a classical rendition. And make sure you listen to the whole thing before going on to the next possible ring tone.

Don’t hold onto something while riding Metro. The basic scientific tenants of gravity and motion do not apply on Metro so as it lurches forward before and after each metro stop you will not be affected. If, by chance, you fall or lose your balance it is ok to use others to stop yourself.

It is best to wait until you are in front of the fare card exit booth before trying to find your card.

Live on freedom rider. Live on. Thank you for visiting our city and giving us your money.

Things I did In The Last 24 Hours

2007-07-05T15:53:00.000-04:00

Things I did In The Last 24 Hours:
(in no particular order)

Wanted to punch a woman on the Metro that left her baby cry nonstop for 30 minutes (before getting off of metro due to people telling her to pick her fucking baby up).

Bought tickets to the Buffy musical show, regardless of how much I get made fun of for this. (And for the record "Buffy" is NOTHING like “Charmed,” assholes.)

Had sex four times yesterday in honor of America’s birthday.

Totally got several Trivial Pursuit questions right which helped my team to go on to win the 1st Annual Don’t Be Fucking Retarded Games.

I carried a really heavy bag that cut circulation off to my fingers, not allowing me to remove my rings which had become embedded in my swollen finger.

Made breakfast for Asianpixie.

Watched Asianpixie fix stuff around the house in her boxer shorts sans shirt (this led to the subsequent sexual intercourse).

Watched Ice Age II, Aliens Resurrection, and the last episode of The Closer while AP was away playing pool.

Became despondent and masturbated to ease the pain.

Ate a jar of pickled Okra and realized the previous technique did not work.

Realized I was two days late for my period.

Drank way too much for a work night.

Listened to a ridiculously stupid commentary about the D.C. fireworks display. Actual conversation: Wow, that one branches out like...like...a tree. Oh, that one looks like fiber optics. And one looks like Saturn. Look a heart!

Suppressed urge to break my beer bottle on the ledge of the roof and jam it in his mouth.

No, really. It's you.

2007-06-29T10:10:00.000-04:00

Seriously Isaiah not everyone is a racist. Maybe you lost you job for “other reasons” like because you are prejudiced and a bigot. You said it once. Then you said it again. It’s typically not a good idea to deny one incident by doing the exact same thing you were accused of all over again.

Yes, yes. You are a strong black man and sexy too (or at least was sexy). I’m not scared of your booming voice and you did get a second chance. I even forgot about it after the first “incident.” Then you went ahead and said it all over again on national television. So really I guess what you meant to say was:

Everyone hates me because I’m prejudiced and I use completely inappropriate words aimed towards my co-workers and then they failed to support me. I can’t believe I didn’t get a 3rd chance. Why do socially conscience people hate bigots? I said I was sorry.

Oh and Isaiah, for the record I do hold others accountable for their actions and words. I still wouldn’t go see a new Mel Gibson movie. I stay away from Tom Cruise as well.

Why? Well, because they hate Jews and crazies (in that order) and that is exactly how I self identify.

So next time the world is against you, maybe you should reanalyze how much you are acting like a pompous ass and start from there.

Can any one say “consequence?” I bet Isaiah can. He's nobody's fool.

*Isaiah Washington was fired from Grey's Anatomy and is blaming it on racism.

I Touch The Fire

2007-06-28T10:10:00.000-04:00

Two years of planning and six years of digging my claw (just one) ever deeper. The day was beautiful. The presents were amazing.* The alcohol flowed. It was everything I could have asked for and more. The DJ was a little crappy at times, like when he played country music during dinner and he had no Frank Sinatra. I mean really, who prepares for a wedding and has no Frank Sinatra?

It was the best ever. We even had sex that night. I was really, really tired, but how could I deny her on my wedding night? She had helped me out of my corset and I owed her the world for that. Suddenly I could breathe, eat, and bend over. All of which, as you may know, are not only essential for life but also for sex.

I didn't think life could get any better than this:

But now I realize that life can always get better. Always.

For instance, this is now a dream fulfilled:

(Click picutre for information for the show in D.C. and other locations)

*If you got us the martini glasses (etc.) then please, please contact us. We have no idea who they are from.

The Big B Party

2007-06-20T07:46:00.000-04:00

Yay to getting drunk with matching t-shirts on that ever so tightly cup my massive breasts! (I do not say “yay” to the tiara) Yay to getting hit on (or maybe just talked to) by some really, really hot black guys (that never happens to me)! Yay to having just the right amount of shots, mixed drinks, and beer! Yay to having dinner in a restaurant where we were the only ones present! Yay to having some butch girl stare at my boobs and give me beads for which I didn’t flash her! Yay to staying somewhat clothed all night long, just like I promised AP! Yay to having a great night with awesome friends!

Yay to finally walking into the last bar and seeing Asianpixie across the room playing pool and still getting butterflies in my stomach!

Today’s magic number is THREE, as in the number of days left.

And a special shout out to the number SIX, as in the number of years we’ve been together.